An excerpt from Chapter IV:4 of the Tolkien Newsgroups Parody E-text. This chapter (and song) written and performed by Steuard Jensen, April 2001.

This scene begins near the Gates of Mordor. Frodo, Sam, and Spiegel are hoping to find a way into the Black Land, when they are faced with an unexpected visitor...

Just at that moment, Spiegel gave a yelp and leapt away from Sam with her eyes fixed on the lip of the hollow above him. A dark form could be seen there, looming against the emerging stars. Frodo felt a queer and curiously pleasant sense of deja vu at the sight, and he lay back on the ground expectantly. Sam, who was closer, could make out a man in oddly archaic robes and holding some dark object in his hands. In a trembling voice he asked, "Who's there?"

The man took a step forward, and then began to strum on the guitar he held and sing in a melancholy voice:

[Hear the music for yourself! (Musical skill, recent practice in singing, and competent mixing and editing not guaranteed. File size is 660KB with a duration of just under four minutes.)]

   I am Feanor's boy, and my story's dark and cold,
   I have squandered my resistance,
   For a pocket full of marbles such are Silmarils
   Made in the West.
   Morgoth stole them from my father
   And hacked up Grandpa's breast.

   When I left my home to go cross the sea,
   I was no more than a boy
   in a company of warriors.
   Standing by my father I an awful oath declared.
   We needed boats,
   so we asked our shoreland cousins if they'd help but they said no;
   it was then we knew that they would have to go.

At this point, the man seemed to lose control of himself. He whipped out a sword and began stabbing and slashing in every direction as if fighting an imagined horde of foes in a berserk rage, singing:

   Die die-die!  Die die-die die die die-die,
   Die die-die!  Die die-die die die die die die-die-die-die die! 

Regaining control, the singer began to strum his guitar again and continued:

   As the war went on for ages, Beren took a Silmaril home,
   to win Thingol's daughter.
   When they died their son refused to give us back the jewel.
   We marched in there
   Killing men and helpless children 'cause their lord was so unfair.
   Die-die die-die die, die die die die...

Although he twitched a few times as he finished the verse, the musician managed to simply play on without singing for a few minutes, gazing sadly off into space. Suddenly, the rage came upon him again, and he once again began leaping to and fro with his sword, to the refrain:

   Die die-die!  Die die-die die die die-die,
   Die die-die!  Die die-die die die die die die-die-die-die die! 

Again the madness passed, and he went on:

   Now I'm chasing down these refugees and wishing for the stone:
   Father's stone.
   But the poor exiles don't do a thing but bleed on me...
   Speeding free... father's stone.

   In the clearing stands a jewel-box and two fighters holding blades
   And we slay them for the treasures
   That cost every love and life we had
   but burned us 'til we cried out
   In our anger and our shame,
   "I am leaving, too much grieving," but the minstrel still remains.

   Die die-die!  Die die-die die die die-die,
   Die die-die!  Die die-die die die die die 
   Die-die-die-die die!  Die die-die die die die-die,
   Die die-die!  ...

This final chorus involved the most intense leaping and slashing yet, and rather than calming down the singer seemed to get more and more vicious and excited as he sang on. And as Frodo, Sam, and Spiegel watched, he stepped too far, toppled, wavered for a moment on the brink of the hill, and with a yell came tumbling down straight into the middle of Sam's cooking supplies. All was suddenly silent.

For those who have not read this chapter of the E-text (linked at the top of this page), the singer here is Maglor son of Feanor. If you want to know what Maglor was doing hanging around the Gates of Mordor, read the chapter!

This page copyright © by Steuard Jensen.
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