Article: 273364 of rec.arts.books.tolkien Path: news.uchicago.edu!newsswitch.lcs.mit.edu!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!fu-berlin.de!uni-berlin.de!user-hkidial31a-40.dial.inet.FI!not-for-mail From: "Morgil Blackhope" <<>> Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien,rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: E-text: Book V, Chapter 9 Date: Sat, 12 Jan 2002 00:12:01 +0200 Lines: 255 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: user-hkidial31a-40.dial.inet.fi (195.156.180.40) X-Trace: fu-berlin.de 1010786393 29416147 195.156.180.40 (16 [81911]) X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.72.3110.5 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.72.3110.3 Xref: news.uchicago.edu alt.fan.tolkien:113839 rec.arts.books.tolkien:273364 With a little delay, here it is!! Enjoy...please? Morgil Chapter 9 The Last Debate (about wheter or not Balrogs have wings.) Pipsqueak woke up from a deep sleep, thinking he had heard somebody call his name. As he lay there in the darkness, he heard it again: /Paragraph Took, hear my voice!/ At first he thought it was Gandalf, but this voice was different; it was full of warmth, love, and sympathy, so much unlike Gandalf's nervous babbling. This voice spoke the truth and Pipsqueak would listen to it and obey what it would command. /Beware! Gandalf has betrayed you all. Frodo must not be allowed to complete his mission, and you are the only one who can stop him. Find an Eagle who's heart is pure, and fly to Mount Doom. You must stop Frodo at all cost, for if you don't, all of Muddle-Earth will fall into darkness!/ "Sss... uh, Aruman??" whispered Pipsqueak with trembling voice. He sprang up, but there was nobody at the room, but as an echo he still could hear: /Even the smelliest personnnnn.../ Hand in hand, like lovers do, giggling Giggly and leggy Lego-Lass waltzed into the City, after morning came; for she wanted to do some shopping, and folk that saw them pass marvelled to see such an open display of inter-racial affection; for long had Minas Tirith(tm) been yoked by a strict moral code of the Stewards. "There are endless lines of toy-stores here," said Giggly looking around. "But none for the adults, if you know what I mean. When Aragon takes over, I will talk to him about opening a chain of erotic-shops, selling finest handmade Dwarvish instruments of pleasure." "They need more strip-clubs and escort-services too," said Lego-Lass. "When Aragon liberates the City, the people of the Wood will send to him their best exotic dancers, and courtesans who won't hesitate on performing any act." Their casual conversation was interrupted by Arwen, who came running after them. "Where the hell is my beloved Aragon?!" she said. "He's nowhere in the camp, and his bed hasn't been slept on whole night! That bastard better have a good explanation for this." The warrior maiden was unconsciously squeezing her sabre-hilt with her knuckles white. "Hard to say," said Lego-Lass with false sincerity. "Is there an all-you-can-eat buffet anywhere nearby?" Giggly giggled uncontrollably, and Arwen gave a menacing glance to the grinning Elven-maid. "Ok, ok. Just kidding," she continued. "I think he's with Gandalf. They seemed to have planned to hold some kind of meeting at the conference-room on the top-floor of the Tower. Gandalf specifically warned everybody not to tell you..." "That treacherous Wizard is up to no-good again!" Arwen bit her lip. Then the expression in her face brightened. "If I stop his evil plans, I can still be the hero of the Episode 3!" With this she leaped away and rushed away, pushing surprised guards aside. "She's such a bitch!" said Lego-Lass. "I hate her, I really do." "Never mind that," said Giggly. "Come over here and tell me who do you like!" They were standing outside the ancient citadel where once great film-moguls had dwelled, and the morning-sun shone upon them. The air of this sacred place seemed to be filled with history and memories of the glorious days of yore, which seemed to demand respect and quiet awe. "Take me Giggly," cried Lego-Lass. "Right here at the heart of the old Magic Kingdom!" And he took her, and he cared not that they were on open place in the sight of many. And many indeed saw them, and even more heard the noises they were making as they plighted their troth and were glad until the guards came and arrested them for Public naughtiness. The Dwarf and the She-Elf were taken to the guardhouse, where they were given their one errand-call and then locked in the cell of poor hygiene(tm). When Lego-Lass looked out of the small window of their cell, she could see strange things flocking around the empty marketplace, pecking a toscan salami. "Look!" she cried. "Goons! They are far from the studio 5. A wonder they are to me and annoyenment such as I never have felt. Alas! For the goons and their yin-tong cries. No peace shall I have again in mortal lands." She sighed, and sitting down on a bench covered with filthy hays, begun to sing softly: /There's a song that I recall, my Mother sang to me She sang it as she tucked me in, when I was ninety-three.../ She was interrupted by a guard banging the door. "Shut up in there you bum!" he shouted. "Your lawyer is here to see you." "Ai-ai!" said Lego-Lass. The guard opened the door, and in walked a small, hooded figure. Dwarf and Elf looked at the hooded stranger with amazement. "Leave us!" he told the guard, with a voice that for some reason sent shivers through their intestines. The Guard grumbled but snatched the silver coin the stranger tossed to him, and closed the door behind him. The stranger turned to the two friends and removed his hood dramatically. "Oh, it's you Morrie," said Giggly. "What brings you here?" "Don't mention that name here!" said Morrie and a shadow of nervousness passed by his face as he glanced to the door. "The name of Brandybuck is feared and loathed widely in these lands, and someone might recognise me. While we are here, my name is Mr. Moriarty, a local solicitor." "Sure, whatever," said Lego-Lass. "Say... Weren't you supposed to be a foot taller then before and have a beard? Just something I overheard at the campfire." "Naah. That's just some guy I suckered to come over here as a decoy, so that my disappearance wouldn't arouse too much attention. As he is now safely locked away, I have free hands to carry out my masterplan without any interruptions. And you can help me with that. You like money, don't you?" Lego-Lass and Giggly looked at each other. In their dreams they could already picture themselves sharing a luxurious dream-house on one of the paradise-islands of the Tampalas Bay, all paid up with dirty drug-money... "We're in!" they said in unison. "Great," said Morrie, or Mr. Moriarty as he was now called. "Just wait a bit, and I'll get you out of here." He knocked on the door, and the guard opened it. "Aww, now I didn't get to tell about our journey through the Paths of Living, and the tragic misfortune that came over Boromir(tm)," sighed Lego-Lass. "Good thing too," said Giggly. "For upon that road I was put to shame: Giggly Groin's son, who had deemed himself having a stronger bladder then any Men or Elf..." "I admit, the Ancient Toons(tm) were hilarious to look upon," said Lego-Lass. "And with Boromir(tm) walking ahead of them with his new face, there was no friend nor enemy who would not fall to the ground convulsed with laughter, save Lord Droopdawg of Lamedog, who remained in serious melancholy. Perhaps the stories are true, and he is partly a toon himself. But the Pirates of Tampalas would have gotten away, had it not been for Boromir(tm), who got hold of their ship and formed a living bridge, allowing the rest of us to charge over his back and into the ship. But alas! Aragon and his Mumak were too much for him to bear. I hope he's getting better now." "I see no reason why not," replied Giggly. Presently the Captains were starting their debate, high above the common riff-raff, at the Tower of Ethel. All the remaining nobles of Gondor(tm) were present, as were the twin-sons of El-Rond; and Aragon who presented himself as an already crowned King even though presently that was not yet accepted in any way by many of those who were present. But it was Gandalf who presented the first presenting. "My lords," said Gandalf to those who were present, "listen to the words of the Steward of Gondor(tm) before he died, in which I had no part: /Gandalf is a great guy. He's so wise and so noble, and wants only good things for the Gondor(tm). If should it happen that I lose my mind and kill myself, in which he will have no part, he should be put in charge and everyone should just do whatever he says./ I would like you all to know that with heavy heart I accept this most gravest duty." This aroused some angry murmur from the side of the nobles of Gondor(tm). Dr. Imrahil and his twin brother Prince Armadillo(r) (of whom nobody could remember which one was evil) both sprang up ready to object, when Aragon slammed down the Endurit, breaking the table in half. The nobles went quiet, and Gandalf continued. "Good. That is settled then. I shall rule you all in the days that follow and in our dealings with the Enemy. Now! Despite whatever others have told you, it is obvious that we have no hope to stand against Sauron with arms. Sooner or later his overwhelming armies would crush us no matter what we do. Resistance is futile, you know..." "Then you wish we would just give in to Sauron??" said Hurly the Keymaster and his twin-brother Curly the Backdoor-Master simultaneously. "Uh, basically yes," said Gandalf. "The only way for us to proceed is unconditional surrender(tm). And as a token of our good will, all the nobles of Gondor(tm) shall be given to Sauron as hostages, who will be executed if we don't agree to whatever he demands." "Don't worry," he continued grinning evilly at their shocked faces. "King Aragon and myself will see that everything goes well while you're away. Have no fear. This is only a cunning ploy to buy time for the Ringbearer to finish his task. When Sauron is destroyed, you all shall be heroes! Posthumous Heroes, with any luck... Whoops, did I say that out loud?" So powerful was the effect of Gandalf's voice that the nobles actually started leaning toward his suggestions, when suddenly the door was slammed open, and in walked three incredibly sexy females followed by a hooded man. Gandalf gazed in terror at Arielle, but before he could say anything Eowynn spoke up, directing her words at Aragon. "All these years father!" she said. "Why didn't you tell me? Why??" "Oh, I don't think he knows about it," explained Arwen as if the expression in Aragon's face would not make this painfully obvious. "El Rond managed to hide it from everybody. Except me of course. But it is true. Eowynn is your daughter, Aragon. Perhaps you remember the days you spent boozing in Edoras some twenty years ago? The one night you ended up passing out next to your drinking-buddy Eomondo's horny young wife, and woke up next morning feeling dirty? Eowynn got started that night, although you are not to blame." "But there is more," continued Arwen. "Arielle is your twin-sister. You were separated when young, for your own protection. Arielle was placed in Steward's family so that she could get the best possible Gondorian upbringing. You on the other hand, ended up to that pig-farm of Butterball's half-brother from where Dad found you... And since Arielle was few minutes older then you, it is she who is the rightful Heir of Isildur and the new ruler of Gondor(tm)." "Do something!" whispered Gandalf to Aragon, but all he could do was to stare from Arielle to Eowynn and back, while mumbling: "She's my sister, she's my daughter. She's my sister, she's my daughter..." over and over again. "This is ridiculous!" tried Gandalf himself. "Where's your proof?" "Right here!" said Arwen and pointed to the cloaked figure. The man removed his hood, and lol! it was Boromir(tm). Boromir(tm) as he should be; alive and well, more goofy-faced then ever. "Hands of the King are hands of the healer," said Arwen. "Arielle resurrected him in presence of many witnesses. She *is* the rightful Queen of Gondor(tm)!" The nobles cheered and looked relieved. "What commands the Queen?" asked Arwen smiling and touched Arielle's arm gently. " As Aragon has begun, so I will go on," said Arielle. "Let none now reject the counsels of Gandalf, whose long labours come at last to test. We *will* make a peace with Sauron - a honest and fair, mutually satisfactory peace, with no hidden agenda. We will find a way for Culture and Entertainment to co-exist, and Capitalism to flourish alongside social welfare and respect for the nature; what Aruman called the Third Path. Now prepare yourself, for tomorrow we shall all march to the great Peace Conference at the Black Gate!" The nobles cheered again, and Gandalf looked with sour face as they followed Arielle out of the room. Eonard lead the still weeping Eowynn by the hand, and he gave Aragon a nasty look as they went by him. And it seemed that even the sons of El Rond were abandoning him. /At least Arwen still loves me/, thought Aragon to himself as she stopped at the door and turned to speak to him. "Did I mention that I am breaking off our engagement?" she said. "Alas, you have somewhat lost your charm lately, and now you have lost your Kingdom too. It would seem that Arielle is the most powerful lesbian in town now, so I guess I'll be taking my chances with her. Toodle-oo!" Gandalf and Aragon were left alone in the room. Aragon was sobbing quietly and munching his comfort-choklit. "No need to worry," said Gandalf biting his lip. "There will be no peace after Frodo destroys the Ring." Aragon looked at him surprised. "You see, the Ring contains Sauron's Mojo," explained Gandalf. "and with his Mojo out of the way he will lose any interest in music, arts and lovemaking; and then he'll be able to concentrate on being the Evil Dark Lord as he is supposed to! When that happens, Arielle will look like a fool or a traitor. And who then will the people turn to? They will turn to us!" Gandalf laughed diabolically, and the look on his face was so evil that Aragon begun to move away from him. But Gandalf grasped him by the shirt. "Its too late to back off now," he said. "You're in this too deep already. Besides, you shall see that Arwen will come crawling back, when you are made the King. You better just stick with me..." Suddenly he let go and turned around. Boromir(tm) had appeared to the doorway. "So that's your plan, eh?" he said. "You would use the threat of Sauron to keep the West under your control, and use all of us as your sockpuppets! Well I will be no Wizard's tool! I'm telling everyone about you." "Sure. Go ahead, I won't stop you," said Gandalf. "I know when the game is lost... Oh, one thing. Before you go, how about you take a look out of the window?" "I don't mind if I do," said Boromir(tm). From his hideout, Pipsqueak watched in terror as Gandalf casually pushed Boromir(tm) out of the window. As Boromir(tm)'s cry broke down to a loud thump, Gandalf turned to Aragon and said: "Let us hurry! If we get to him first, you can try resurrecting him one more time!" As they left the room, Pipsqueak crawled out of his hiding place and stood trembling in the middle of the room. "Aruman was right all along!" he thought to himself. "And now I'm the only one who knows the truth. But what can I do?? Where will I find courage? I can't go on alone..." And again he heard, like a whisper in the wind, a voice from another place and another time. /Yogurt will always be with you.../ Ps. Now what's taking so long with the next chapter???