Article: 80500 of alt.fan.tolkien Path: news.uchicago.edu!newsswitch.lcs.mit.edu!sunqbc.risq.qc.ca!torn!nf1.bellglobal.com!nf2.bellglobal.com!news20.bellglobal.com.POSTED!not-for-mail Message-ID: <3BC3B838.BEBC1176@sympatico.ca> From: Carl Blondin <<>> Reply-To: carl.blondin -aaatt- mail.mcgill -daht- ca X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.73 [en] (Win98; U) X-Accept-Language: en MIME-Version: 1.0 Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien,rec.arts.book.tolkien Subject: E-text book V chapter 6 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Lines: 148 Date: Tue, 09 Oct 2001 22:53:46 -0400 NNTP-Posting-Host: 64.228.188.136 X-Complaints-To: abuse -aaatt- sympatico -daht- ca X-Trace: news20.bellglobal.com 1002682196 64.228.188.136 (Tue, 09 Oct 2001 22:49:56 EDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 09 Oct 2001 22:49:56 EDT Organization: Bell Sympatico Xref: news.uchicago.edu alt.fan.tolkien:80500 Sorry if it's been late in the coming, but I had a mouse mishap on the day I was supposed to catch up on chapters, and I have no idea how to download ng messages without a mouse... As for the chapter, all I can say is that I did my best with all the plot twists that occured lately, and if someone doesn't like it, well... sucks to be them, I like what I did. If you have any criticism, feel free to say it, and if you like it the same applies. By the way I know I'm not great at writting, but Ihope you at least like the ideas and that O's editing will improve the text before it goes on the web page. Carl The Battle of the Cowboy's Field As the alarm sounded, the Lord of the Nasdaq looked at his watch, profered an innapropriate expletive for a kid's amusement park and ran out the gate again, muttering something about being late for his lecture on the arts in war. Seeing this, Gandalf went back to "cheering" the defenders with his peddler's trick. His real purpose was of course to steal their purse while their concentration was elsewhere since he absolutely hates to pick money off a dead corpse, he always tries to do it before they die. Going back in time a bit, lets look at what really happened before HeyHoDen sounded his horns. As HeyHoDen was galloping towards Minas Tirith(tm), his army of seven acrobatic dwarves insisted on making a small detour by their house which was close by. When they got there, they went in and left a message that reads as follow: "Snow white, we have gone to help HeyHoDen defend Minas Tirith(tm), as soon as you come back home with your Prince Charming, could you send him along with his army to give us a hand, thank you." After this small interlude, they continued their dash towards the battle field, to find it all aflame, and they figured that no one had heard their horns since none stopped to great them. At this, HeyHoDen felt that his special greeting for Aragon was defenitly deserved. His whole plan rested on Gondor(tm) beleiving him to come as an ally and letting him trough the ticket booth. Once inside, he could safely prepare a greeting for Aragon that he would remember for the rest of his days, since his days would scarcely exceed his entrance into Minas Tirith(tm). As he was riding hard for the gate, HeyHoDen came by all nine Nasdaq. They were intently listening to he who appeared to be their leader by his girth, he was rambling on about something but the words art and war kept coming up pretty often. While he talked he kept on pointing at different parts of the battle field and the fortifications. When HeyHoden was level with them he clearly heard him say "break time" and next thing he knew, they were all signing and clapping rythmically while one of their number danced jerkilly, which brought them all, including HeyHoden, into fits of laughter, and a weird state of phisical attraction for them. Sadly for him, HeyHoden learnt that one should not laugh histerically or look to the side for too long while riding as he topled and his mount fell on him. His wounds were so extensive that he had but a few minutes of life left. Close behind him, Dirthead tried to reach him while he was still alive, but the chief Nasdaq was in her way. When he saw her he yelled" You may not pass, we are on a class field trip and have priority, you have to let us pass!" This led to a long winded bickering match on who would pass first. The hissy fight was settled in the following fashion: "No man as small as you may force me to go against the rules of courtesy!", Dirthead removed his helmet and answered "but I am no man, I am Eowynifred" and she nibly dodged around the huge girth of the Nasdaq to attack him with her secret weapon. When she reached the back of him, she grabed onto his underwear, yanked them up and shouted "WEDGIIIIIII!". At the same time, Otto ,who had fallen off the Harley, was picking up a sword to inefectively defend himself, but the great girht of the Nasdaq had caused the wedgi to have more effect and he stumbled forwards and unto the blade which Otto was holding up. It stabed him straight in the heart and he died instantly. Try as he might afterwards, Otto could never find his blade again amist all the folds on the Nasdaq's stomach. Seeing their teacher fall in such a way, the rest of the Nasdaq fled in despair. Arguing over who had killed the the Nasdaq (they both had good arguments, one being the bearer of the weapon, and the other having gotten the Nasdaq to fall), Otto and Eowynifred decided to settle the matter with a fist fight. To their future despair, they both managed to knock the other unconscious, so to this day this feud hasn't been settled. As all of this happened, Eonard realized he had been left alone on the battle field, and tried to find his "army". He did find them, but HeyHoDen was almost dead and the other two were already unconscious. He went to see his father whom made him swear to kill Aragon at the first occasion he could find to make it passs as an accident. Eonard swore and asked his dying father whether he could do anything to ease his last moments at which he replied: "The only thing which would make me happy is if you found a way to make this death fake, or resurect me (which is quite plausible in this story) so that I may retired at an old folks complex, much like the one we passed on our way here...." and then he died. As he saw the seven dwarves weep for the late king, Eonard told then not to weep for now Rohan had a strong king, and he would not have left those pigs desert them, he would have chained them and drag them behind Harleys to get them to respect his might. "But no more fretting, he said, let us join this fray once more to find Aragon" So he left, too happy to be king to care for his safety, and did not see Otto wake up. He woke up and groggily brought Eowynifred to the city ticket booth, paid the exhorbitant entrance fee, and draged her to the infirmary; he really wanted to know how to ride like her. If he was going to take over Morrie's drug cartel, he had to have an awe inspiring skill like this one. As the men of Gondor(tm), who by then were totally demoralized by Gandalf's lame tricks, saw Eonard fight, they were inspired to perform deeds of glory. They aranged a sortie with the cowboys of the Pelennor, and started circling the students of Mordor. To their dismay, they found out that the graduates and men with black feet and white hands had been kept as reserves by the late rector of Mordor university. His vice rector seeing the turn of events decided to send them in, so that they in turn started circling the cowboys, but they were obviously going in the opposite direction as the cowboys were. From far off on the Anduin, Aragon's party was rowing up the the river on a barge, their number was the same as when they entered the Paths of the Living plus one goofy looking character. However, the currnet being as it was, and they having only two paddles, they had a hard time getting there. But Aragon was rejoicing, he had read all of Goscinny's books, and he knew how to win the fight considering the twist it had taken. He only hoped that Jolly Jumper (his mumakil) would be up to the task. After approximatly 1 hours of rowing, or circling depending on who you consider, the fight was ended, the cowboys misteriously turned out victorious, the Mordor students were fleeing, many of whom were planned on complaining to the Student Society of Mordor University (SSMU) for the low quality of their frosh week, and Aragon's barge reached the shore. Seeing a group of five students who seemingly wanted to steal their raft, Aragon directed his meager force into a defensive position, and coordanated the defense from a safe distance behind his men. As the last orc died, he rushed towards it and made sure to be splatered with blood, that way he could pretend to have been in the heat of the battle. At the same time as the barge reached shore, Eonard directed his stead at full speed towards the barge, hoping to reach it on time to pretend a fumble at the same time as he killed Aragon. Sadly, he reached the shore 30 seconds after the last orc died and his plan fell to shambles, his only option was to pretend to be happy to see Aragon again. And Aragon was only to happy to explain to how he had played a crucial part in the fight, and he had a briuse (which he got the last time Jolly Jumper toppled under his weight), and blood all over him (which he poured himself).