Article: 253001 of rec.arts.books.tolkien Path: news.uchicago.edu!newsswitch.lcs.mit.edu!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!newsfeed1.swip.net!swipnet!nntpserver.swip.net!not-for-mail From: "Öjevind Lång" <<>> Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien,rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: E-text Chapter Five:V (by Jon Stefanovic) Lines: 130 X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.72.3110.5 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.72.3110.3 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 212.151.42.219 X-Complaints-To: news-abuse -aaatt- swip -daht- net X-Trace: nntpserver.swip.net 1001321012 212.151.42.219 (Mon, 24 Sep 2001 10:43:32 MET DST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 24 Sep 2001 10:43:32 MET DST Organization: A Customer of Tele2 X-Sender: s-774765@d212-151-42-219.swipnet.se Date: Mon, 24 Sep 2001 10:43:24 +0200 Xref: news.uchicago.edu alt.fan.tolkien:78494 rec.arts.books.tolkien:253001 Från: Jonny -- thats me Till: Ämne: Chapter V Datum: den 24 september 2001 05:37 The Ride of the Rohirrim It was dark and Morrie (Otto) was awakened by the smell of gasoline and burning tires. He felt and throb in his head and remember the night before. He remembered being thrown of the Winnebago. “Stupid blonde,” he cursed. “I should have never ridden with her. Oh what the heck, I’m Morrie or someone like that now and I’m supposed to go around riding on motorcycles with hot royalty.” He dimly recall the wild night of riding the bike through the plains of Rohan. Eowynifred’s hair blowing in his face. The smell of her perfume and Wormtounge’s liquids on her. And then the crash. Eowynifred, in a moment of frenzied ecstasy, had rode the bike so fast that she forgot to watch out for the King and the dwarves. She plowed through the dwarves and charged straight into HeyHoDen and his mount which had just stopped to take a dump. “Stupid blonde…” Just then Eonard tumbled over Morrie’s (Otto’s) prostrate form in the darkness. “What the hell?” “Oh sorry dude, I didn’t mean to trip you.” “Sure you didn’t. What the hell are you doing out here anyway.” “I fell of the motorcycle and just got up. I was talking to myself.” “Sure you were you pothead. Playing with yourself is more like it. I swear I heard you say the word blonde…” After merrily clearing out this mess with Eonard, Morrie (Otto) set out with him to see what HeyHoDen was up to. They found the King sitting at the nearest Taco Bell munching on a chalupa while Balin and the dwarves sat nearby. “Stupid pigs, I told then I wanted the damn dog in the commercial, not the chalupa,” growled HeyHoDen. “Now, now,” said Balin, “Its better than crap you know.” “Actually I rather prefer crap. A little ketchup makes a huge difference you know,” commented Wormtounge. “Shut up you fool,” said HeyHoDen. “We are totally screwed in the ass. Those pigs are gonna catch up with us before we get to Gondor and the City thing.” “Just wish there was some wild man to show us a short cut to Gondor—“ Just then a totally naked man jumped in front of them. He wore nothing but a feather in his hair and held a crush coke can in his hand. Eowynifred nearly fainted with delight. “How” “How?” “HOW” “How?” “How. I am Sitting Bull of the injuns. I come to make peace and smoke weed with the white man.” “Hey count me in too,” said Morrie (Otto). “Listen you naked old freak. We don’t need weed, we need a shortcut throw the woods so that we can plunder Gondor,” shouted HeyHoDen. “Don’t listen to that dildo,” shouted Morrie, even louder, “Give me that pipe, man.” The “injun” reached behind him and with a grunt produced a pipe. “Ain’t nothing like a wide anus to store your pipe in man,” commented Eonard. Sitting Bull grinned and proceeded to light it up and pass the pipe around. After everyone was totally stoned he proceeded to talk. “I help you find shortcut. I show you way to Stoned City. There you destroy Magic Mountain and that bastard Denethor. As he dies tell him never to throw trash in my forests again. Then you leave injuns alone to their pipe-weed smoking. Aight?” “Sure thing,” said Balin, “lead the way dude.” “Wait up,” shouted HeyHoDen, “what if this naked freak of nature leads us into a trap and kills us all?” “Then we’ll kill him,” said Balin. “But if we’re already dead how are we gonna kill--" muttered Eonard. “Splendid,” shouted HeyHoDen. “Lead the way, Sitting Bull. And remember, the only good injun is a dead injun." The small company consisting of the royal family, Morrie (Otto), the dwarves, and Sitting Bull passed into the forest. They traveled and traveled and traveled. After sometime they stopped to view the wonders of Dunland. They saw Pooh in the honey tree. “Yum, yum.” They saw the lamppost still burning bright. HeyHoDen went over for a walk with Aslan and learned new and interesting way how to inpersonate Christ. Robin Hood himself dropped by for a chat and got instantly hooked on Eowynifred. He insisted on calling her Maid Marian and followed her for many miles until she utterly rejected him by making sweet love to Sitting Bull. Robin instantly took his arrow and slit his own wrists, dying in a pool of his own blood, rejected by a fair lover. They journeyed on, stopping at fast food restaurants and eating plain old crap when there was nothing else. And so this relievingly short chapter drew to an end as Morrie (Otto), sat on the ground and prepared some “grass” with a couple of injuns who had come along for the ride. “Tomorrow, Gondor and all her riches and glory.” Muttered HeyhoDen earnestly. “Can’t wait to get my hands on Denethor,” injected Eowynifred. “I’ve heard that those stewards are great in bed, way better than the kings of old, like that sad flab, Aragorn or whatever his name is.” “Oh man this weed is great” “Hell yeah.” “Morrie, when this war stuff is over, I’m coming over to the Shire and growing a plantation for myself.” “Hell yeah” “Good stuff this pipe weed." “Hell yeah” “Don’t hell yeah me you dingaling. I’m the King, HeyHoDen the mighty pipe/bong smoker.” “Hell yeah” HeyHoden smiled, lay down in his sleeping bag, farted and started stroking the lovable hobbit (Otto). “HELL YEAH” The End (of the chapter even though this would be a good time the end the book, oh well).