Article: 250285 of rec.arts.books.tolkien Path: news.uchicago.edu!newsswitch.lcs.mit.edu!howland.erols.net!portc.blue.aol.com.MISMATCH!portc01.blue.aol.com!audrey04.news.aol.com!not-for-mail Lines: 407 X-Admin: news@aol.com From: <<>> (David M. McCandless) Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien Date: 01 Sep 2001 02:45:46 GMT Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com Subject: e-text parody (5-3): The Blockbuster of Rohan (Part 1) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Message-ID: <20010831224546.20048.00006416@mb-mv.aol.com> Xref: news.uchicago.edu rec.arts.books.tolkien:250285 Rated PG-fmhatiopnwwtffpofs, for "Pretty Good For Most Humanoids, Although There IS One Particularly Naughty Word Within The First Few Pages of the Story". (Youngsters, be warned.) ********* COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU! THE AMAZING, STUPENDOUS, TECHNICOLOR, POSITIVELY MEDIEVAL, CONFABULATORY, BRIGHT SHINY BEADY MOVIE OF THE YEAR! *** THE BLOCKBUSTER OF ROHAN *** NOW SHOWING IN PURE CINEMAXX (a little racier than simple CINEMAX but not NEARLY as visually stimulating as CINEMAXXX!!!) ! STARRING ! CHARLTON HESTON as King HeyHoDen KIRK CAMERON as Eonard ELVIS COSTELLO as Morrie Brandybuck and SIR LAWRENCE OLIVIER in a breakout black-face performance as Lady Eowynifred -- the poor little irrelevant blonde girl who was blown off by a king for the shocking love of an elven princess ------------- * Take 1 * ACTION! ADVENTURE! ROMANCE! ABCESSED TOOTH REMOVAL! All in the frugal spirit of Cecil B. DeMille! [Somber voice overdub while camera zooms over a vast wilderness landscape] "Now all roads ran together like the art of Jackson Pollack, to meet the coming of war and the onset of the Shadow and to create as confusing a mess as possible -- much like the final cut of the movie "Elizabeth." "And far away, even as Pipsqueak Took stood above the gate of the Magic Kingdom of Minas Tirith (TM), sneaking peeks down the costumes of the well-endowed female 'Solid Gold' revue dancers, the rabble of Rohan descended into the valley where lay waiting for them the blessed tropical resort of Dunhero..." [A wind sends ripples across the Nile, making the shrubs rattle upon the plains. The camera zooms down triumphantly to a starkly bearded face...] King HeyHoDen: LET MY PEOPLE GO. [Shot of Braveheart extras beating swords on shield] [Shot of Starship Troopers extras beating ray guns on shields] [Shot of Irish rugby spectators beating in heads of English spectators] [Shot of Soul Train dancers beating out the beat to "Brick House" by the Commodores] [Shot of screaming lawyers beating the snot out of each other with briefcases] Producer: CUT! CUT! TOO EXPENSIVE -- THE LAWYERS WILL SUE! START OVER! ----------- *Take 2* [Text scrolls back into the background of a black field of stars] Chapter XXXXX [or L, in Roman shorthand] THE DUNEDAD STRIKES BACK "And so the Lord Aragon's voracious appetite had left little provision for the peasants of Rohan -- forcing them to pass what stuff they had amongst each other, in order to fuel their ire against the Empire. "First came the hraka soup, followed by a light hraka salad with a dressing of hraka extract. Those soon were followed by hraka sorbet, roast hraka, steamed hraka, braised hraka in hraka sauce, hraka in the basket with sautéed hraka, and finally, for dessert, hraka meringue pie with orange-hraka icing and nice juicy chunks of hraka. "Once Morrie Brandybuck thought they had given him a cheeseburger with onion rings and a Coke, but it turned to be a ground-hraka sandwich with french-fried hraka on the side and a glass of ice-cold pureed carbonated diet hraka. "And so did the Rebellion finally find itself in dire straits, with resistance against the evil Empire of Morder quickly fading..." Morrie (grimace): This stuff tastes like shit. Darth HeyHoDen: Turn to the Dark Side, Luke. We've got Ben 'n Jerry's. Producer: CUT! CUT! TOO FATTENING! START OVER! ----------- *Take 3* [The great ship slips beneath the waves like Gary Condit's chances for reelection. While screaming Rohan peasants in topcoats and wingtips fling themselves overboard, the band switches from "Boogie Wonderland" into a cover of "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat." After multiple explosions, leaping sharks, and a giant digital aquatic balrog make their appearances, we are left with two young relatives desperately adrift on flotsam and jetsam in the freezing seas.] Eonard (slipping under for the last time): Don't let go, Eowynifred. Promise me you'll never let go. Eowynifred: I won't let go, jerk. I'll never let go. [She lets go.] Producer: CUT! CUT! TOO PREDICTABLE! Writer: Come ON. We've got to film SOMETHING here. Producer: Sorry, you just blew the whole budget in three scenes. Not only do we have to switch to a soundstage in New Brunswick, NJ, but all the stars are walking. Writer: (Gasp) No! Not Elvis Costello! Producer: The good news is that Richard Dreyfuss has been hanging around the set and says he'll do Morrie for peanuts, but only if you don't glue fur to his feet. He says his feet are his best asset and he doesn't want them covered. Writer: But... but... that's Tolkien SACRILEGE! The fans will roast us! Producer: Clean-shaven feet, Richard Dreyfuss. Furry feet, you're stuck with the pizza delivery boy. Take your pick. [Leaves] Writer: (groaning, looking at his picture of Orson Welles) Oh, Rosebud, this movie is going straight to Mordor in a meadowmuffin... **** [Title scribbled on the back of an old pizza box lid] "The bLocKbuSTer of rOhaN" ------------------------ Scene 1: Oh, I Do Love Maps [The hordes of Rohan ride through treacherous fens, over hills, clearing mighty rivers, descending into valleys and dark canyons, and climbing steep ice-blasted mountains, until King HeyHoDen finally breaks down and purchases a map from a nearby gas station.] Morrie: Ha, just like I thought -- go down South Main, hang right at Silmaril Park, then blow through until you see Cirith Ungol in the distance, and there we are! It's so simple that even a MORON could figure it out. Eonard (wrestling with map while the army looks on, confused): Gosh darn it, does ANYONE know to fold this thing back up? HeyHoDen: (dead-pan, to camera) At least we know he's no moron. -------------------------------------------------- Scene 2: A Long-Expected Party Line [While HeyHoDen and Eonard ride towards Dunhero at the head of the army, Morrie follows closely behind, talking incessantly, filling King HeyHoDen's ears with tales of his rebellious hobbit youth -- his nightly soirees of cow-tipping, of egging Farmer Maggot's house, of spray-painting "Fatty Bolger Lives" on the sides of the mill as the sheriff hallooed and hallayed after them.] Morrie: (chortling) ...And THEN there was the time I stole some of Gandalf's fireworks, drained out the powder, and stuffed it all into the bowl of the Old Gaffer's pipe! When he lit up, BOY did he light up! You should have seen the look -- I mean, soot -- on his face! Golly, I'm so ingenious, sometimes I even dazzle myself! HeyHoDen: (grumbling) Methinks my ears are dazzled enough. Morrie: (continuing) I can't believe this! We started out with Pipsqueak, and Frodo, and Sam, and all the others -- I came to help them -- but now they must be hundreds of miles away in the heart of Mordor, if they are even alive at all! And here I am, safe as a scuttlebug in the middle of nowhere. Isn't that nuts? Life is just one big hobbit's holiday! Isn't it? Isn't it just grand? Eonard: (pointing back in the direction they just came) LOOK! Isn't that Cate Blanchett in a peekabo nightie?! Morrie: Where?! [looks around] Naw, I think that's just an old barrow wight in a shroud. [Turns back.] Guys? Hey, guys! Where'd you all go? GUYS?!! -------------------------------------- SCENE 3: Dunhero, Some Hero [The army studies a large sign saying, "Welcome to 'DunHero Estates' at Glen Acres, a gated community. At DunHero, we don't get old -- we just get bent."] Eonard: Dunhero at last! And me so hungry I could eat a horse! [With a whinny, Eonard's horse tramples him into the mud, then gallops away, followed by hordes of hungry screaming peasants.] Eonard: (groaning) ...figure of speech... HeyHoDen: Pathetic oaf, get up before I feed you to the pigs! [With the word "pigs," he notices the rest of the army silently staring at him.] Err, sorry, figure of speech... [He is interrupted by a prim voice belonging to a tall woman in blue. This is LADY JANE DUNFORE, owner of the facility.] Dunfore: Excuse me, you're blocking our toll barrier, and the beeper's going crazy. Can I help you? HeyHoDen: Peradventure thou mayest. I am HeyHoDen, king of the mark, rider of broken saddle ponies, and defiler of flower beds. These are my loyal pigs, err, subjects, and we -- Dunfore: Oh, of course, your majesty, I've been expecting you ever since your paperwork arrived. Why don't you tell your royal pigs to make themselves at home on the grounds while I show you, your family, and your sawed-off assistant around? Morrie: (bristling) HEY, lady, I'm not a sawed-off anything, I'm Richard Dreyfuss, the actor, and I'm just cheesed-off, if anything, and I expect to be shown some RESPECT -- Dunfore: My apologies, Richard. King HeyHoDen, if you'd care to have our most skilled staff give Little Lord Richard the care he needs -- Morrie: Yeah, good, lady, it's about TIME...! Dunfore: -- we'll make the day care facilities our first stop. This way! Morrie: Hey! Day care? DAY CARE? What's this about day care? HeyHoDen: (clapping his hands to get the attention of his loyal subjects) All right, pigs! Feel free to wander, use the bathroom, snap some pics, and purchase cheap souvenirs and t-shirts with beer logos on them, but don't forget -- the herd leaves tonight at eight o'clock sharp, with or without you! [With a shout, the starving army scatters across the grounds of Dunhero like a giant herd of rampaging snorting swine, overturning recycling bins, flipping golf carts, and devouring gardenias in their desperate search for food.] HeyHoDen: They seem a little wound up. Eonard: Maybe if you'd stop feeding them the same old hraka... ---------------------------- Scene 4: The Pukémon Dunfore: The retirement village of Dunhero has EVERY form of recreation imaginable, and all perfectly safe... [HeyHoDen and Eonard look with interest over the grounds as elderly elven retirees knock each other out playing horseshoes and bocci, while others are parasailing with walkers in hand. Nearby, a shuffleboard player slowly clutches at his chest and collapses. While his companion, a giant spider, wraps him up and dangles him from a tree, a commotion arises over on the skeet-shooting range.] Dunfore: ...err, although we also possess an on-site 24/7 health care facility with its own cardiac unit, just to be safe. HeyHoDen: A king can never be too safe, I suppose, heh, heh. [He pokes Eonard in the side with an elbow.] Last time Isildur went in for a dip, he came out a human pincushion, right, Eonard? Eonard: Err, right. Don't touch me. [Now the path winds between great standing bushes cut in the likenesses of chubby animals with large eyes, clumsily shaped.] Eonard: Err, nice shrubberies. Dunfore: The Pukémon they are called, and heeded little lest the heeder fall into nausea; for no true power or cash value is left within them, despite their once being prized by young children. Our hunchbacked groundskeeper insists on cutting them, though, and because it keeps him from eating live gophers out on the ninth green, we tolerate it. [Cut scene to a horrified gopher puppet, watching groundskeeper Otto bite the head off a plastique hobbit. Before he spits the plastique down the hole, however, he reconsiders -- then swallows the stuff and takes another bite.] ------------------------------------------ COMMERCIAL: Frumpy Old Men [Hand-held cam shot of two old men in blue robes, as they play chess.] Pallandro: (chortling) Check! [Alatar mutters a word of power, and a nearby tree explodes from a lightning strike.] Pallandro: (under his breath) Poor sport. Lady Dunfore: (overdub) It isn't uncommon for heroes to fake their own deaths, just to get some time off. But while some facilities cater only to the rich and famous, here at Dunhero, we don't take anyone but the very best -- even if they're Maiar in disguise! [Both men turn and smile cheesily into the camera.] Alatar: (speaking to camera) Hi! I'm Alatar! Pallandro: And I'm Pallandro. While we made the cut, our friend Olorin -- or Gandalf -- bombed out big-time. Alatar: He was plain bad. Eonard: (off-camera) What? Gandalf's evil? Alatar: (whacking Eonard off-camera with his staff) No, young fool, just bad. A terrible wizard. No stage presence, couldn't do a trick to save his life. Pallandro: (nodding) Always dropping his marked deck, or sneezing from rabbit spoor left in his hat, or forgetting the magic words of power. Eonard: (off-camera) What words? Alakazam? Hocus pocus? Elbereth Githoniel? Pallandro: No, "Cash in Advance," dolt. (He whacks Eonard on the head off-camera, then sighs.) But he only has himself to blame. After flubbing the old "Saw the Elf Maiden in Half" trick down in a Lothlorien nightclub, he lost most of his bookings. Poor Lustianne just fell to pieces... [There are loud gasps from off-camera.] Eonard: But we thought she died of grief over Bluto's death, from the slipcasts! Alatar: (whacking Eonard on the head again off-camera) Oh, Olorin's changed his story AGAIN, has he? Pallandro: For centuries, it was, "She just stepped out for a smoke, officer, and then I just found her like this in the parking lot." What audacity. Alatar: The old goat. He tried to steal my peanuts on the flight over from the Blessed Realms too, you know, while I was in the lavatory. And when we played poker, he would always bid things like, "Ruling the world," or "Making cookies out of Girl Scouts." Don't trust Olorin any farther than you can throw him, unless you're throwing him into the Cracks of Doom. Pallandro: I never understood what Sauron saw in him anyway. Alatar: That degree from Cambridge, no doubt. It impresses everyone. Eonard: (off-camera) SAURON??! The BURNING EYE of MORDOR? Pallandro: (whacking Eonard on the head with his staff) What is this movie becoming, a commercial for organic food? Alatar (to Pallandro): Well, it's quite good -- the Burning Eye eggs are what got me hooked, remember? Pallandro: I was always partial to his fresh produce. But at least he's done a lot for agriculture in Mordor. Eonard: (off-camera) What? Mordor's all desert! Wasteland! Parking lots! Alatar: (whacking Eonard on the head off-camera) Only from years of Gondor's mine-stripping the countryside. Rainforests take some time to spring back. Eonard: (off-camera) Sauron is trying to conquer Middle-Earth and enslave its people!! Uncle, tell them! HeyHoDen's (off-camera): Hey, I never met the guy. Alatar: Sauron was the nicest young lad. Pallandro: Worked in his garden all day, bare-footed, piling weeds for compost. When Galadriel Seeds, Inc., took off a few years back, he wrestled with using pesticides or artificial fertilizer but never gave in, as he was concerned about the effects on the water table and food chain. Eonard: (stepping on camera, with two black eyes) Look, can you just turn that thing OFF? (He faces the old wizards.) We're talking about Sauron here. SAUR-on! Destroyer of Middle-Earth. Kicker of Puppies. Writer of Parodies. Thawer of Ice Cream. Eater of Babies. Alatar (to Pallandro): I hear he's a vegetarian now. Pallandro: I believe it. If there's one thing you can say about Sauron, it's that he can't stand to see anyone suffer. [There's a stunned pause as Eonard's pupils dilate and drool drips down his chin. Then both men begin cackling insanely.] Pallandro: (unable to breathe from laughter) Hee hee! Just kidding! Alatar: What a look on the kid's face! It gets them every time! Pallandro: "Vegetarian!" Oh PLEASE...! Alatar: I thought the mine-stripping was a beautiful touch, myself... Dunfore: (overdub) When your old men start acting funny, don't send them down the Anduin in a flaming boat without oars -- send them to Dunhero! Dunhero Estates: Brought to you by new Burning Eye hydroponic broccoli spears! [end of part 1 / see part 2] http://www.BrothersGrinn.com "Funny in the head... where it counts." Coming Someday -- www.elandra.com