Article: 222762 of rec.arts.books.tolkien Path: uchinews!newsfeed.stanford.edu!cyclone.bc.net!awabi.library.ucla.edu!164.67.43.25!news.ucla.edu!mac-houkd.chem.ucla.edu!user From: <<>> (Bruce N. Hietbrink) Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: Book III Chapter 7 "Deem's Help" Date: Tue, 07 Nov 2000 15:55:01 -0800 Organization: UCLA Chemistry Lines: 227 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: mac-houkd.chem.ucla.edu Xref: uchinews rec.arts.books.tolkien:222762 Hi all, I do really apologize. I was about to resign my post and ask someone to take over for me, but a temporary lull in aardvarks has allowed me to knock out my chapter. Here it is. I don't promise greatness. Be gentle. Deem's Help Forth they rode from the gates of Medusald. In the red light of the setting sun the fields of dandelions appeared to be ablaze. As they rode past the silent graves, Giggly read the inscriptions aloud. "Thengel, and his cat Tiger" "Fengel, and his dog Rex" "Folcwine, with his fish Goldie" "Folca, with his dog Prince" "Walda, and his lizard Bert" "Fluffy, and his dog Brylca" "Um, I think you got that one backwards," corrected Lego-lass. "No, that's what it said," insisted Giggly. "Let's ask one of the locals. Hey, Eonard! What can you tell us about King Fluffy?" "Those were dark days for Rohan," replied Eonard, "of which we do not speak." They rode on in silence, into the deepening night. Slowly, though, a light grew in the west, as if the sun had decided to make a u-turn after sunset. Gandalf called Lego-lass forward. "Can you make out the source of that light?" he asked. "It's coming from up towards Isengard. I fear that Aruman is brewing some new trouble for us." Lego-lass peered towards the glow on the horizon. "I don't understand what it is that I'm seeing," she reported, "I can see the tower of Orthanc silouetted against hundreds of bright lights. The glares is too great to make out any details, though." "I must be off!" exclaimed Gandalf. "HeyHoDen, you'll have to get down and ride with Eonard and Aragon." At this, Eonard and Aragon's horse let out a grunt of dismay, but somehow HeyHoDen was able to scramble onto his back. As Gandalf rode off in haste, one of the farmers asked the smith marching beside him what was up. "'Tis none of our business," said the smith. "The affairs of our betters are too high for such as we." "Humph," snorted the farmer, "I say he's running off as soon as the danger starts, leaving our butts out here on the line. Darn wizards. They're going to be the first ones against the wall when the revolution comes. Them and suck-up smiths, that is." The horses were getting worn out with two or three riders each, so Aragon and Lego-lass went now with Eonard in the van. As the internal combustion engine was not to be invented for another few millenia, though, the van had to be pushed by six of the peasants, including one very irate farmer. "Darn princes and elves are going to be up against the wall pretty soon after the wizards and smiths." They decided to turn aside from the Isengard road to take refuge in the fortress of Deem's Help, because they felt that this would also be a good place to make their stand. It didn't hurt that Erkenbrand, the commander of the Hornburg, was known to stock the best wine cellar north of Gondor(tm). Deem's Help was a narrow canyon cut back into the mountains. A wall stretched across the mouth of the canyon, at one end of which stood the fortress known as the Hornburg. It was named after the great jazz bands of old. In the days when Deem himself lived in the fortress, they would have open-air concerts in the canyon, and the surrounding hills acted as a natural ampitheater. Even today a trumpet blast from the walls of the Hornburg would make the hills ring with the sound of music. Julie Andrews herself could do no better. "Who goes there?" came the challenge from above the gate into the Help. "Does the Golden Hall send any aid in our time of need? Oh, it's just you, Eonard. Can't be helped I suppose. Who's that you brought with you, then?" "Do you not recognize your lord and master? Come forth and kneel before King HeyHoDen!" came the response from Eonard. "My liege!" grovelled the guard. "We had feared that . . ." "That I was hidden in Meduseld, beguiled by the lies of a traitor?" finished HeyHoDen. "Well, not that exactly. Mainly we just thought you were too lazy to get off your fat butt and ride all the way out here. The word in the outer provinces is that you've turned into a total couch potato." Then, turning back to the guard tower, he cried out "Open the gates! Your King is here!" Glad cries of "Hey! Ho!" arose from the walls. The king of the Mark rode through the open gates, flanked by his sister-son and sister-daughter, not to mention his brother-neighbor-cousin-dog-groomer-lover-aunt-husband- nephew-friend, and several other relations of even greater removal. Aragon, Giggly, Lego-lass, and Arwen were left milling around with various smiths and farmers outside the walls. "This is more like it," chuckled Giggly, looking around at the cliffs. "No more forests and plains for me. This country has good bones. The sinews are only so-so, but the bones are really good." "How do you feel about the cartilige?" asked Lego-lass. "Not as good as the bones, but definitely first rate." "Stop your dawdling," ordered Aragon, "we have to prepare. Even now the forces of Aruman approach." They could see an ominous glow coming up the valley, sillouetting the orc-forms coming before it. Luckily they were able to set up the barbecue and have dinner before the hoard of orcs approached the gates. Before they were done clearing the dishes, though, the enemy ranks filled the valley. The shouts of the prefects rose above the general confusion. "50 house points for the first one through the gates!" "Move that battering ram into place!" "Fight for the honor of house and school!" "No more non-selective comprehensive education!" "Kill the commoners!" "Halt!" Shouted Aragon from the wall. A strange silence settled over the orc horde as they stopped to listen to his words. "They say the Hornburg has never fallen when a rabble of farmers and smiths has stood to defend it. Turn back now and you will be allowed to live." He was answered with derisive laughter. "We are the Uruk-Hai Prefects! We fear no man, be he farmer or smith!" Aragon jumped back as a rain of arrows flew toward his position, and the battle was begun. The defenders of the Hornburg and of the wall across the Help were sorely pressed. Lego-lass and Giggly found themselves beset by foes who had gained the top of the wall. "How do you fare?" grunted Giggly as he ducked under a swinging sword. "Not so bad. There's six!" Lego-lass counted as she pulled her dagger from the corpse of a falling orc. "I've killed eight." Returned Giggly, bringing his battle-axe down on another foe. "Make that nine." Suddenly there was a lull, as the top of the wall was free of orcs for the moment. "I say," mused Lego-lass, pulling out her bow and firing off a couple of arrows at the army below, "have you ever really thought about it? There's eight, by the way." "Thought about what?" asked Giggly. "Well, doesn't it seem a bit, well (nine), wrong, to you? We just assume (ten) that all orcs are our foes (eleven) because of their ancestry?" "Here they come again!" shouted Giggly as a group of orcs came up a ladder. He ran to the point where they overtopped the wall, axe swinging. "Now that you put it that way, (ten) it does seem a little odd (eleven). One would have hoped that by the end of the Third Age we'd be beyond such race-based thinking (twelve and thirteen)." As the headless body fell at his feet he turned back to Lego-lass. "Exactly (twelve)!" came back Lego-lass, firing arrows as fast as she could put notch to bowstring. "There's thirteen, we're tied! Anyway, look at us (fourteen, I'm winning!). As elf-maid and dwerrow, we should hate eachother, but our budding relationship proves the opposite." "You've given me much to think on, fair Lego-lass. Perhaps this anti-orc prejudice of ours is unwarranted, and we should seek to reform rather than kill them. By the way, as you were speaking I got six more. My count is up to nineteen. Hey Arwen!" he shouted to the leather-clad elf who was approaching, "My count is nineteen, and Legolass is at fourteen. ["It's sixteen now, dear"] How does the battle fare for you?" "I've killed three-hundred and seventy-two. I'd like to see them leave THAT out of the movie," replied Arwen. The fighting ran on late into the night. Epic songs have been sung of the brave deeds of farmer and smith in defense of their king and country. In the morning light the rabble of Rohan prepared for one last push. Even HeyHoDen put on his armor and stood in the first company with Aragon, Lego-lass, and Arwen. Eonard was skulking around, complaining to anyone who would listen about Aragon getting top billing. Eowyn was sent to her room, told that women weren't allowed to fight. "What about Arwen and Lego-lass?" she whined. "They're elves, it's different," came the reply. Giggly had disappeared during the night. It was rumored that he'd retreated to the caves with a band of smiths. HeyHoDen addressed the troops. "Today, men, is a good day to die . . . " "Bummer of a pep-talk, pops!" came a voice from the back of the crowd. "Quiet! As I was saying, today is a good day to die. That's why I want my sister-son Eonard to lead the first charge. The rest of us will follow anon. We fight, my friends, for our way of life. We fight for the right of all men to send their children to good schools, that they may learn to read the tales of our battle today. The enemy wants to reserve that right for only the upper classes who can afford their fancy schools . . . " "Hey, didn't you send your son to . . . " interrupted the voice from the back of the crowd. "Someone shut that guy up!" HeyHoDen cut him off. "This is your destiny, men. We ride forth into glory! We ride forth into history! Hey! Ho!" The battle cry of Rohan was taken up by the crowd. Shouts of "Hey!" and "Ho!" rang out as the gates of the Hornburg were thrown open with a blast of trumpets and they surged out to meet . . . nothing. Where the orc armies had been encamped there was a strange forest of poles of differing shapes and heights (now darkened). Not an orc was too be seen. Just then Gandalf rode up on Slimshade. "Where've you been?" asked Aragon. "Oh, you know, out and about, looking for the army. They assured me they'd be along sometime later today. They have to all get their uniforms back from the cleaners and should be along after having a nice brunch and maybe playing a round of golf. How'd it go here, then?" "Damned wizards and soldiers," muttered a certain farmer in the back of the crowd, "always gone in the midst of trouble. They'll be up against the wall when the revolution comes, to be sure." The revolution would not come today, though. Today the King of Rohan rode triumphant from the field of battle.