Article: 221451 of rec.arts.books.tolkien Path: uchinews!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.erols.net!netnews.com!diablo.theplanet.net!news.theplanet.net!newspost.theplanet.net!not-for-mail From: "Sir Confused-a-lot" <<>> Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien,alt.religion.tolkienology,rec.arts.books.tolkien Subject: eText: Book III, Chapter 6 Date: Sat, 21 Oct 2000 11:03:43 +0100 Organization: Customer of Energis Squared Lines: 242 Message-ID: <8srq2v$alg$1@news5.svr.pol.co.uk> Reply-To: "Sir Confused-a-lot" <<>> NNTP-Posting-Host: modem-125.elendil.dialup.pol.co.uk X-Trace: news5.svr.pol.co.uk 972123039 10928 62.136.183.125 (21 Oct 2000 10:10:39 GMT) NNTP-Posting-Date: 21 Oct 2000 10:10:39 GMT X-Complaints-To: abuse -aaatt- theplanet -daht- net X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 5.00.2919.6600 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2919.6600 Xref: uchinews alt.fan.tolkien:46099 rec.arts.books.tolkien:221451 Sorry it's taken so long to finish, but here it is. -------------------------------- The King of the Golden Hall They rode on through sunset, and slow dusk, and gathering night; the monotony relieved only by Giggly asking "Are we there yet?" every five minutes. Gandalf allowed them only a few hours rest after Lego-lass fell out of her sadle and was almost trampled to death. The waxing moon sank in to the cloudy west, an important point to remember should you wish to draw up a table of moon positions to prove how wrong the timing of the whole story is. Suddenly, Slimshadė, being far more intelligent than normal horses (and probably far more intelligent than anyone else in the book) stopped and neighed. As the other horses caught up (he was the fastest as well) Lego-lass, Aragon, Giggly and Arwen got their first glimpse of The Golden Hall. The source of the smoke and metalic noise was also revealed. In front of the hill on which the Hall stood, hundreds of Dunlending slaves were labourious turning the spits to roast thousands of chickens of an enourmous barbecue. A large sign above proclaimed 'Made by the Metalwork Dept. of Isengard School for Boys'. "Lo! It is the Great Hall of Medusald," cried Gandalf, pointing, "called The Golden Hall because of the large numbers of golden dandelions which you can see growing on the side of the hill and out of the guttering." "Dandelions!?!" exclamied Giggly "Am I to believe that there is no actual *gold* involved any where?" "No" "None?" "No" Giggly fell silent. "Speak, Lego-lass and tell us what you see." commanded Gandalf. "The same as the rest of you," Lego-lass responded over the sound of Giggly's sobs "What did you expect? Its only 50 metres away." "In that great building," Gandalf said, pointing at the Hall, whose peeling paint and missing roofing tiles gave it a less than grand look, "HeyHoDen, king of the Rohirrim hold his courts." The travellers rode up to the Hall. On either side they passed ancient graves. "Those on the left are the tombs of the kings, those on the right the tombs of the royal pets." "I used to know a chant that would have been appropriate now," said Aragon as they passed the tomb of Fuzzy, the Royal Hampster, "but I've forgotten it." "For that, you should all be truly thankful" muttered Arwen under her breath. Surprisingly, No-one came to meet them before they reached the great (or shabby, depending on your point of view) doors of the hall and dismounted, at which point an obese guard wobbled up to great them. "Bonjour!" cried Gandalf in greeting. The guard looked blank. After a few seconds he let out that great slogan of slobbish incomprehension: "Yer wha?" "Bonjour, mon ami!" Gandalf persisted. The guard turned to Aragon. "Is this bloke mad or summin?" he asked. Gandalf looked disappointed. "Don't you speak the noble language of the Rohirrim?" "Don't be stupid, mate. We gave up on that years ago. Who wants a language where the verbs have so many forms no-one can understand them, and the words are masculing and femining?" "Masculine and feminine" corrected Gandalf. "Yeah, whatever. Hang on a minute, I'm sure there's something I should have said before." He rummaged in his pockets and pulled out a piece of paper. "Here we go. 'Who goes there?'" He read, sounding important, or as important as a fat man in rusty chain mail can. "Tell us who you are first" demanded Arwen irritably. "Okay, babe." Aragon winced on his behalf "I'm Hammy, the Doorstop of HeyHoDen. Now you." Gandalf answered. Aragon had been noticing with great irritation how the wizard had assumed the role of leader. "We are travelers from afar. I am Gandalf the mighty wizard, and these are Lego-lass and Arwen, the beautiufl elves" Lego-lass blushed, "and this is Giggly, the crafty Dwerrow, and this is Aragon, some bloke who comes with us." Aragon glared at Gandalf's large back, but remained silent. Bide your time, he tought to himself, wait until he's asleep one night, and then... "Oh, I'd better let you in then. First you must lay down your weapons." " I will not lay down my sword" growled Aragon, "for it is the sword of Elendil reforged, that was broken under..." "Look I just want the weapon, not its life story" said Hammy, souding bored. "Just give it to him" whispered Gandalf "We haven't got all day to argue with idiots." Reluctently, Aragon laid down his sword. With it went Giggly's axe and Lego-lass's bow. "I must request that you leave your staff here, master Gandalf," said the guard. "Idiot." Gandalf said, this time out loud, "Would you deny an old man his stick?" "The staff in the hand of a wizard may be more than a prop for age. You could take somebody's eye out with that thing" As Gandalf laid it agaist the wall, Aragon pulled faces at him and chanted "Nyah nyah nyah-nyah nyah" Arwen laid down her broadsword. "I must ask for the knives as well, babe." said Hammy. Arwen Growled and laid them down. "And the crossbow, and the morningstar, and the axe..." Gandalf, Aragon, Giggly and Lego-lass entered the hall, leaving behind Arwen and her inumerable weapons. In the centre of the enourmous hall there was a small square of carpet, covered in empty crisp packets, chicken bones and lager cans. On this sat a small armchair, a large sofa, a coffee table and a strangely empty space. "Greetings, HeyHoDen, King of Rohan" called Gandalf to another fat man, this one, like Hammy, shabbily dressed, but wearing a tarnished and sat in the armchair. On the sofa was sat Eowynn (who winked at Aragon) and a short, skinny man with greasy hair. "I return your greetings on behalf of the king," said the short man, "I am the chief of his counsellors, Grimey." "So you are the one who some call Wormtongue" "I am" Lego-lass noticed the wayin which his tongu flickered in and out of his mouth as he talked. "Pray tell me what business you have with us, master Gandalf, who some call Stormcrow" "Why do they call me Stormcrow?" said Gandalf, temporarily distracted. "For they say that wherever you go, bad news and trouble follows" "So why Stormcrow? "I don't know! I didn't invent the nickname!" "That is because you, Wormtongue, are to stupid to invent anything." "Do not be so sure, master wizard. It was I who invented the Great Barbecue, which was made by Aruman as a gift to us, and which feeds our people." Aragon felt that he ought to have some part in the coversation. "Why can't the king speak for himself?" Both Gandalf and Grimey glared at him. "Because" said Grimey "He is busy awating the invention of the television" He indictaed the bare patch of carpet. "But surely he can speak for himself" said Aragon. "And where is Eonard?" "The king spoke at last, in a deep, weary voice. "He has been grounded, and sent to his room without any supper, for suggesting that we go to war with our good friend Aruman." "Friend?!? ARUMAN?!? What false notions have you put into your good lord's head about that most vilainous of headmasters?" "See, lord, how the wizard comes here to corrupt us? I say..." At that moment, Grimey stopped speaking. Gandalf had produced a short black stick, white at the ends, from under his cloak and was pointing it at Grimey. He muttered something under his breath, and there was a flash of light. If Gandalf had had is staff, no doubt the light would have been enough to illuminate the hall. With his wand, however, the flash was as bright as a torch when the batteries are low. "Ow!" cried Grimey, clutching at his foot. He lost his balance, tripped over an old can of bitters, and fell, hitting his head on a chair leg and knocking himself out cold. Giggly curled over with laughter, and Eowynn and Lego-lass applauded and cheered. "Now I may speak to you, Lord HeyHoDen, with out the interference of your slimy little servant. You must take heart, for what he has told you is not always the truth. Rise from that chair, and come and look upon your kingdom!" HeyHoDen stood up, slowly and with great difficulty, the chair groaning as the springs expanded once again. "Eonard!" he cried, "come here at once!" A door opened at the back of the hall and a tall, lanky man emerged, looking sheepishly around. "Go and fetch my sword from Grimey's chamber. I am going outside!" "Why do I *always* have to get the swords?" Eonard moaned. "Can't Eowynn do it?" "Fetch me my sword, boy!" "But dad..." "DO IT!" "Yes dad...mutter...mumble...mutter..." "Too long have I listened to the lies of Wormtongue, as I sat in my chair waiting for his television nonsense that he said Aruman was working on. I will look out on my land, and breathe the free air again." "I was just going to sugest that," said Gandalf irritably. He strode up to the doors. "Open. The Lord of the Mark comes forth!" "Who's Mark?" Lego-lass whispered to Aragon, who shrugged. The door were slowly pulled open, to reveal a pile, now 7 foot high, of Arwen's weapons, with the warrior herself sat on top. "Look out over your land, HeyHoDen. All is not dark." Cried Gandalf. "Evil broods in the east, but the greatest threat come from Aruman. He plans to invade Rohan, fight his way to Edoras and turn the great hall into a dormitory for a new public school." "Here's your stupid sword, dad," muttered Eonard, joining them, "Hairygrim, or whatever you call it." HeyHoDen ignored him. "Then we, the people of Rohan, must cast off the slobishness in which we have lived, and go to war to defend the non-selective comprehensive education system of our fore-fathers! Fetch me that fool Hammy. We must muster an army and head with all haste to Deem's Help, the great fortress of our people!" But Hammy appeared to have vanished. On closer investigation, it appeared that every other soldier in the city had vanished, taking their horses with them. Later, a note was found with 'Gone to Dunharrow. Back after war has ended" scribbled on it. Rohan would go to fight without an army. The preparations that went on during the day were both tiring and tiresome. The team of Dunlending slaves disassembled the barbecue to carry it with them. After much deliberation, and several particularly cruel ideas form Eonard, who had been grounded many times as a result of arguing with him, it had been decided that the best thing to do was to lock Grimey in Edoras. Several hours were wasted while Arwen, angry at having missed another vital scene, re-secreted her weapons about her personage. A summoning to arms was sent out, and when that failed Eonard was sent out with a sharp stick (he wasn't trusted with a sword) to round up civilains. So the company that set off to defend Rohan was not an army. It was a rabble. Due to the sudden dearth of horses, Eowynn had to share horses with Arwen (who was busy thinking of ways to join the battle without Gandalf noticing), Eonard with Aragon and HeyHoDen with Gandalf. (Slimshadė *was* a strong horse, Aragon mused as they rode. Those two men must weigh 70 stone between them.) In front of them, they drove hordes of farmers, armed with pitchforks, and smiths, armed with pokers, like pigs to the slaughter. They had to turn back once, when it was realised that Eowynn had forgotten her make-up bag. But once four Dunlendings had been assigned to carry the enourmous bag, they rode unhindered. They rode to war. ----------------------- Sir Confused-a-lot