Article: 219995 of rec.arts.books.tolkien Path: uchinews!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.erols.net!portc.blue.aol.com.MISMATCH!portc01.blue.aol.com!audrey04.news.aol.com!not-for-mail Lines: 220 X-Admin: news@aol.com From: <<>> (Mithrigil ) Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien Date: 28 Sep 2000 01:06:48 GMT Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com Subject: Book III, Chapter 5 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Message-ID: <20000927210648.16847.00000764@ng-xa1.aol.com> Xref: uchinews rec.arts.books.tolkien:219995 It's heeeeeereeeee! The moment I thought would never come! Enjoy, all, and good luck, whoever happens to be next! **oh, and if there's something you don't get, feel free to ask.** -*Mithrigil Galtirglin* --------------------------- Book III, Chapter 5; The "Right......Wider......" "Damn, it's cold!" chortled Giggly, doing a very odd version of the Macarena. Day had finally come....well, sort of...they thought it was day...it was so cloudy that they couldn't see five feet in front of them (except for Lego-lass, who could see perfectly in lowlight and detect secret passageways, to boot). But they had slept a good four hours and were ready to start looking for hobbit-prints again. "And don't forget that old man!" said Giggly. "I should be happier if he left a few prints behind." "Why would that make you happy?" said Legolas. "Ummmm.....I dunno." "It doesn't really matter anyway. Aragon only LOOKs like he knows what he's doing. AND it was an evil wraith-like-thingy that looks like Aruman and doesn't LEAVE footprints. Saruman is at LEAST high-experience technocracy mage. Maybe a thaumaturgist, actually, but I'm not so sure." "A thauma-whatza?" Aragon spoke from the ground, where he indeed looked like he knew what he was doing. "Thaumaturgists. Freaky undead who make your blood boil. Ex-wizards. Love to study." "Make your blood boil? Well, I should say!" Lego-lass got them back on track. "So...any IDEAS, Aragon? About the horses, I mean, not the Thaumaturgists. Where did they GO?" "Wherever they went they sure sounded happy. But I can't read the riddle without a Wits+Animal Ken die pool of at least 7, re-roll 10s or not." Lego-lass gave a small 'hmph'. "So we look first and guess later! How bout we search the bodies? You and Giggly go over there--" here he motioned to a place far off to the east,"--and look for clues. I'll continue over here." One last glare from Lego-lass and the two were off. Aragon smirked to himself. He then turned to the woods behind him. "It's all right. You can come out now, My Morningstar!" For some time, the companions----[*******all questionable moments have been censored for lack of plot vitality and occasional sadomasochism which may be unpleasant for some readers. These deletions will be noted by a small sequence of stars; *********, often combined with an interjection of a sort******]----Suddenly, she saw Lego-lass and Giggly running toward them, warned Aragon, and rushed back into the woods, but not before pointing towards a more functional element to the plot; the next clue. "This is odd...twinkie wrappers in a place like this...." Lego-lass put in her two cents. "Well, OBVIOUSLY it was one of the hobbits. NOBODY else would have TWINKIE wrappers." Giggly did the usual thing. "Heehee." Lego-lass continued. "And you've MISSED something. There's that freaky-looking OLD guy again." "How can you tell? It's about as foggy as....." "I got FIVE successes." "Stupid elf-dice." Lego-lass smirked and pointed. Giggly followed her finger and exclaimed, near laughter, "I see him! He looks like Santa Claus after a bonfire!" Indeed, emerging from the mists was one of the fattest creatures ever known to be humanoid. He was as wide as an average desktop, and clad head to toe in very dirty grey rags. He was also wearing a funny blue hat that seemed to be a little bit small for him. Lego-lass drew her bow, and pointed. "Die, thaumaturgist, DIE!" She looked like she was about to actually DO it, she pulled back and let the bow hang to the ground. "What's wrong???...." She began to get a slightly homicidal look in her eyes. "....why can't I....." And then suddenly she lashed about with her knife, nearly stabbing Aragon where it might have hurt, shrieking "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?" "Calm down, Mistress Elf," stated the fat guy. "I am no thaumaturgist, and I wish to speak with you and your nearly impaled comrades." With that he jumped way too lightly for his size onto a nearby rock, revealing a glimpse of white cloth for about a nanosecond, and leaving the comrades bewildered. "Besides, you couldn't kill me if you tried." "You speak as one that knows.....(get off me, you stupid elf).....the profession well....(stupid!)....." Aragon attempted to say while Lego-lass was at his throat. "Is that...." here he picked up the renegade elf and threw her into Giggly, who lived up to his name and chuckled, "...so?" "Not well," said the fat old man, "that would be the study of many lives. Caine leaves a long legacy. But I kill now and again. Why, I was just recently in a glorious battle, with this really screwed-up slimy guy in Khazad-Mum, and he almost beat me! But I gave him one good...." Lego-lass stopped her assault, got off of Giggly (but not without a quick wink), and whispered in awe, "Mii-miii.....Mesprendeur?" "No shit, Sherlock." With that minor vulgarity he disrobed (cringe!!! cringe!!!), and jumped off the rock, clad now in robes of white that only made him look even more obese. The little blue hat gave place to a little white yamaka (some spell it yarmakule, in the old elvish), and the great sword Gimidhat was sheathed at his side. At last Aragon stirred. "Gandalf! What the hell happened to you? You're all---" "White? Yeah, sure. It's an honor thing. Guess what? Aruman's been excommunicated! I have the honors both of telling him and replacing him. How about that?" "Yes, sir, but the---" "Yeah, I miss the grey one too. But that dratted Balrog went and burned it! Luckily I was able to save my hat..." "Tell us about the Balrog!" called Giggly. "Well, we fought. it was fun. I whacked at him several dozen times with Gimidhat, he got all slimy and whipped me. Then we took it outside, and I finally beat him. After I diablorized the schmuck---" Lego-lass gasped. "You did WHAT?!" "Diablorized him. Took his soul. Quite a rush, really." He smirked knowingly. Aragon tried to ask, "Is that what made you so---" "Powerful? Yes, but not the whole thing. Dha-Manwė helped out quite a bit, when I got to talk to him." It was Giggly's turn to gasp. "You mean, you got to meet Dha-Manwė and come back to tell us about it?" "Yes. Gwaihir the Windlord picked me up after the diablorization of the Balrog (oh, and by the way, he was very impressed that I could still--- [******bestiality, yaoi, and vulgarity; a triple threat!*******]---after all these years!" The Elf, Man, and Dwerrat stood blinking while Gandalf continued. "So he takes me to see Dha-Manwė, and I get powered up and sent back to help you people. Plus I get the new white garb. By the by," he turned and modeled it for the others, "does this robe make me look fat?" There was an extended sequence of blinking on the parts of Lego-lass and Giggly. Aragon tried to speak up. "Well, I was beginning to wonder what was making you so---" "Luminescent?" "Ummm, no....more like---" "Patronizing? Commanding?" Aragon gave an exasperated sigh and a sweatdrop, and collapsed to the ground in frustration. With his head to his knees, he whined, "What of the Hobbits?" "Two go by the river, two go by the lampposts. You know which are which, and they're all alive, so far." "And they're safe?" "More or less. Right now it's giving you these messages that I'm concerned about, and packing you off to Edoras." A small thud was heard in the trees nearby, and a clump of black leather was seen on the floor. Gandalf sauntered over to it and gave it a quick slap across the less-covered end. A disheveled Arwen arose with a sheepish look on her face. "Ummm....hi, guys!....errr..." Gandalf got the famous insanely patronizing look upon his face. "Do you know what I do to eavesdroppers, Princess?" "If it's as famous as what you do to eagles, I'm looking forward to it." Dark glare from Aragon. A VERY dark glare, indeed. "No, actually, although that might become an option...." Even darker glare from Aragon, accompanied by a hand on the hilt of a famous reforged sword. "You wouldn't dare." "Get that hand off your sword, son of Arathon, or I will personally see that the one I'm here to fight for is cut off. And that will be of much disappointment to Morningstar here, won't it?" Aragon growled slightly, but moved his hand. "Much better. Now where was I? oh yes, what I do to eavesdroppers. YOU, princess, will be traveling with us..." Arwen breathed a small rapturous "Yes!". "...but will not be permitted to engage in any combat or physical action. That includes sex." Aragon and Arwen's jaws dropped a good 3 feet. Lego-lass and Giggly snickered. Gandalf smiled. "Consider the fun you had this morning to be the last you will get for the rest of the voyage." More snickering from Lego-lass. "You also will not be allowed to fight, or I will personally blow you to the Lonely Isle, or worse, [******just......disgusting******], and spoil your children to hell. And if you, Mr. Heir of Elendil, try to stop me, you can kiss the quest, the crown, and your family jewels good-bye!" Giggly was starting to roll on the floor. Aragon muttered under his breath, "At least I can *see* mine, fatty." Gandalf didn't hear. Instead, he continued with his speech. "I was given messages to you three from Galadriel. Aragon first; *Where now are those ghuls of yours, El Lesser, El Lesser? Why do thy valderie-bound wander afar? Near are the days of a black, sunless sky, As a moon shines with blood and we're all gonna die. But much darker still is the road you must take; Thank god that your lineage isn't all fake!* Now I was HOPING to bear better news, but I guess that it's not gonna happen, so I go to Lego-lass now; *Lego-lass Greenbutt, longest in limb; You're out of your mind if you think about him! The Dwerrow is mine, and if you even try I will hunt your ass down 'til you're ready to die!* I thought *that* one was particularly interesting...." Lego-lass was turning redder than the eye of Sauron. Whether it was with rage or embarrassment, nobody could tell. But Giggly was laughing as if there were Nitrous oxide being spoon fed to her personally by a half-orc in a tutu. Arwen and Aragon, meanwhile, were wondering whether of not their beloved Grandma had *really* written that... Gandalf continued. "There was also one for you, laughing boy, but I don't plan to say it publicly...." he went over to a much more sobered Giggly and whispered in his ear for a good 15 minutes, as Lego-lass whetted her knife and Aragon and Arwen undressed each other with their eyes. When the whispering was done, Giggly was at least twice as red as Lego-lass had been, and yelling through his laughter, "How the [insert potent dwarven swear word here] did you remember all that?!" "It's an old routine." "[potent dwarven swear word]!!!!" "Well, a phrase like [******odd. Very very odd.******] isn't exactly hard to forget, especially after it's been done so many times." Silence from all but Giggly. Arwen's jaw dropped. "Grandma is one sick cookie." "....Right." Gandalf whistled and then spoke to the others. "Well, it's time to go." Giggly chortled. "But....I can't exactly...walk.....!" The results of the whistle were observed as the footsteps of horses were heard nearby. "There is more than one horse coming." "You lost two, I brought one, and a third is tagging along for our little renegado." The horses ran up to Gandalf, with the exception of one of the new ones, who just lolled in the grass. That one seemed to be Gandalf's, because the instant he lay down, the fat Wizard was shouting at it. "Come on, Slimshadė, please stand up! Please stand up! Stupid damn horse! Slimshadė, please! Stand up!!! You can be such a good horse, when you put your mind to it! Come ON, Slimshadė!!!" Aragon piped in. "Ummm, where did he take our horses?" "Just to get a wider view of the area." "Right....wider....." "What was that, young man?" "I said right, wider....er, I mean White Rider...no...nevermind. What is that sound in the distance?" He pointed toward Medusald, the hall of the gilded snake, far to the north, and there was a faint trace of smoke as well. "Battle and war! Ride on, Slimshadė!" And with that he jumped upon the horse (thankfully not squishing it) and rode into the distance, the others not far behind. ----------------------------