From: Abigail Brady <<>> Subject: E-Text: Book III, Chapter I Date: Thu, 20 Jul 2000 18:30:40 +0100 Well, here's my little effort. Short, and to the point. Hope you don't find it too unworthy. BOOK III, CHAPTER I: THE DEPARTURE OF BOROMIR(TM) Aragon raced up the hill, following the trail of Boromir(tm)'s blood. "If I read that sign aright,", he said to himself, looking at the large sign pointing at the summit, with "SUMMIT" in large runes written on it, "that is the way to the summit". He ran up to the summit, not pausing until he reached the top. There, he found the palantir, which was rumoured to have been made by the famed Feenamint Industries Plc. itself. Swiftly he inserted a quarter, and placed his eye to the eyepiece, and started to point the device at the boats, for he suspected Frodo would be going there. But even as he sought the boats with the device, a great horn blew, and the blasts of it smote the hills, just as Mordred violated his parole in once doing. "Alas! The horn of Boromir(tm)," he said, "Hmm, I suppose I'd better make my way down there. Besides, this is just unartistic anyway." For although Aragon would be pleased to get Boromir(tm) out of the way, it could be, how shall we put it, inconvenient if he was known to be directly responsible. Unsheathing his sword, and crying /Endurit! Endurit!/ he ran all the way down the hill again, and crashed through the trees, to find Boromir(tm) immobile, and lying against a mediocre tree, his cloven horn beside him. Aragon knelt beside him and tried to rouse him. But, Boromir(tm) did not move. "Yay!", cheered Aragon, his delight undisguised. "Thus passes the heir of Denethor(tm), Lord of the Tower of Commerce! One down, two to go!" "I heard that!", said Boromir(tm), slowly. "Bother," said Aragon. "But since you're alive, you might as well, make yourself useful. What happened here? What happened to those halflings who were supposed to be guarding you? And more importantly, where is Arwen?" "Orcs have taken them," said Boromir(tm), struggling. "Arwen too, I think," he lied, remembering where Aragon's priorities lay. "Which way did they go?" asked Aragon. "Dunno. I passed out." said Boromir(tm). "Blood loss, you see". Aragon cursed viciously and loudly. Thus it was Lego-lass and Giggly found him. Giggly had his axe in hand, and Lego-lass her long knife; all her arrows were spent. "Alas!", said Lego-lass, standing well back from Aragon. "I have hunted and slain-" "Oi!", interjected Giggly. "Don't you mean 'we'?" "I didn't see you do any slaying, shortarse. Or hunting for that matter." "Oh yeah? So why do you think there were so many detached Orc heads around the place?" "It's quite clear that-" Tiring of this, Aragon drew his sword, and waved it around quite menacingly. "Can I get some attention round here?... Thank you," he said at the sudden and quite expected silence. "Now, Boromir(tm) here is dead." "No I'm not!," objected Boromir(tm). "Yes you are, you'll be stone dead in a minute," said Aragon, kicking Boromir(tm) firmly. "Thanks for your concern," he sarcasmed, "but I am Okay, because I only just got here. But it seems that Arwen has been captured by the enemy. We must persue immediately" "But what about the halflings?", asked Lego-lass. "They too, were captured. Alas, we do not know for certain whether the Ring-bearer is with them, but we must assume the worst." "Yes, Frodo was with them", lied Boromir(tm). "Now will someone help me up?" "Come, let us go", said Aragon. "Hadn't we better tend to the fallen first?", asked Lego-lass. "But we must be swift," said Giggly. "He would not wish us to linger," "What I want is to be taken to Minas Tirith(tm)!" declared Boromir(tm). "Very well," said Aragon. Although he did not like the delay, it was, perhaps, best to deal with Boromir. "We will lay you in a boat with your weapons and give you to Anduin. Then you shall pass to Disgiliath safely." "No I won't," exclaimed Boromir. "There's a waterfall in the way! It's not navigable." "Ah, but our boats are from Lorien. They are magical, right? Magical boats can safely go down waterfalls," blustered Aragon. "Well known fact, that," he then added. "Indeed." said Lego-lass, vaguely suspecting that Aragon did not know the truth of his words, but not daring to say. They then turned their attention to the fallen Orcs, looking to scavenge what they could. Lego-lass took all the undamaged arrows she could find, whilst Giggly collected all the shuriken which had been strangely left under the orc bodies. And Aragon did look upon the slain, and he did say "I don't recognise the uniform of these Orcs.", for they had shields with the device of a grasping white hand in the centre of a black field, and on the front of their helmets, they had an S-rune. "S is for Sauron," said Giggly. "That's not exactly hard to figure out." "Nay, you idiot!", said Lego-lass, "Sauron does not use the Elf-runes, for he failed to pay the royalties and we got an injunction, which he got round by using Dwarf-runes, which the Dwerrowsii were only too happy to sell to him" "That's unfair -", shot back Giggly. "Nor does he permit his right name, to be spelt or spoken" said Aragon. "And white is not in his colour-scheme, for it makes it easy to see the dirt. The Orcs in the service on Barad-dur use the sign of the Bloodshot Eye." He pondered a moment. "It's a bit confusing really. I can't think of any bad guys whose names start with S apart from Sauron." "Shelob?" suggested Giggly. "I doubt she'd have an army of Orcs, even if she really does exist. No, I think what's happened here is a failed attempt at deception. Obviously, these are someone else's forces, perhaps Aruman's, but he wants to decieve us into thinking they are Sauron's. But because it was done amateurishly, the deception has failed. Sauron will not be happy if he finds out." Later, the remainder of the company dragged Boromir(tm) to where they had left the boats, but found only the destroyed remnants of the boats. "Alas!", said Aragon. "An ill fate is on us today." "Orcs. Must be. No-one else would have destroyed the boats.", said Giggly. They retrieved what they could find of their baggage, and then fashioned a crude raft from the boat wreckage. Now, they tied Boromir(tm) to this, and made doubly sure the knots were secure, but first taking the precaution of knocking him cold. Then, they pushed the raft from the shore out into the water and the raft floated south. They watched the raft wane to a dark spot against the golden light, and then the screams started. "No! You can't do this to me! I'm the Heir to the Stewardship of Gondor(tm), you know! I demand you-". But he was interrupted by the waterfall. The raft vanished downwards. The River had taken Boromir(tm) son of Denethor(tm), and he was out of the way, at least for the moment. "And now, we must follow the Orcs, for they have Arwen," said Aragon. "Oh, and the ringbearer", he added. It was easy to find the trail of the Orcs, for it was littered with crisp packets and chewing gum wrappers. "No other folk leave such a mess, " said Lego-lass. "But the Orcs have an alliance with the Litter Pickers' Union, who are glad of the extra work." "But although they are messy, they are very fast. We shall have to go with winged speed to catch up", said Aragon, and ran off as fast as he could, with Lego-lass and Giggly following. -- Abigail who wonders what Boromir's status is