Article: 211743 of rec.arts.books.tolkien Path: uchinews!newsfeed.stanford.edu!nntp.cs.ubc.ca!hub.org!hub.org!ratbert.tds.net!dsalo From: <<>> (David Salo) Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien,alt.fan.tolkien Subject: E-text, Book II, Chapter 7 Message-ID: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-transfer-encoding: 8bit X-Newsreader: Yet Another NewsWatcher 2.4.0 Lines: 307 Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 20:02:19 GMT NNTP-Posting-Host: 208.170.95.159 X-Complaints-To: abuse -aaatt- tds.net (TDS -daht- NET help Desk 1-888-815-5992) X-Trace: ratbert.tds.net 961963339 208.170.95.159 (Sun, 25 Jun 2000 15:02:19 CDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 15:02:19 CDT Organization: TDS.NET Internet Services www.tds.net Xref: uchinews rec.arts.books.tolkien:211743 alt.fan.tolkien:35651 Book II, Chapter 7 The Birdbath of Galadriel The sun was sinking behind the mountains, and it was far too dark to play golf when Aragon and Frodo cleaned themselves up, got dressed, and went on again. Night came beneath the trees as they walked, and lamps of Noldorin crystal automatically lit up the forest -- though Frodo noticed their odd tendency to flicker off as he passed beneath them. Suddenly they came out into the open again, and found themselves staring up at a glittering palace all made of crystal and coloured glass. Delicate spires and tiny minarets of Elven-colour were cleverly woven into a beautifully designed castle. A splendid sight. It was the home of Galadriel, the Elvenqueen. Frodo gasped. ³Is this where Galadriel lives?² he asked, disregarding the previous sentence. Aragorn shook his head. ³No, this is just the set for a previous movie, which never got made because of, er, contractual difficulties. Galadriel actually lives over here.² He pointed to a thicket of the brambly shrubs that the elves name ferlyrn, upon the highest of which was perched a rough structure of boards nailed hastily together, with a rope ladder dangling therefrom. Above the platform was the crudely lettered sign: GLADREELıS TREE HOWS (DULBORNS 2!) POZITIVLY NO DWERWS ALOUD!!!! Ever since Frodo had set foot upon the far bank of Silverlode, a strange feeling had come upon him; it seemed to him that his head ached, there was a sour taste on his tongue and that now and then lights would flash before of his eyes. Now, as he stood looking up the ladder towards the treehouse, a rush like a great green wave drowning the fair land of Numenor came over him, and he suddenly perceived Reality. He looked down, and saw that his feet had sprouted roots and were sinking deep, deep into the fertile loam, spreading out so that he could feel clearly every grain of mould beneath him; each blade of grass sprang up, keenly speaking its aliveness, and he felt a sudden kinship with the tree that rose up before him. He could feel it growing, see it rising up into the sky and spreading its leaves, thirstily draining the aquifer... Frodo staggered back, overcome by the knowledge. He looked beside him, and saw Aragon staring down at him with glittering eyes. ³Are you all right, Frodo?² he said -- but his voice seemed to come from a long way away, as if from the bottom of a well. Frodo tried to say ³yes², but his voice came out strangely, and it seemed as if something or someone else was speaking for him. ³Would you believe me,² it said, ³if I told you I was being followed by a yellow Nazdaq?² ³Nooo...² said Aragonıs distant voice, and suddenly Aragon twisted into a tiny blue marble and shot away into the distance. Frodo shook his head, saw the rope ladder before him, and began to climb. It seemed to him that the ladder rose up forever, and that he had to stop many times before he reached the top. At each stage he marked the great leaves that grew out from the trunk, overshadowing the groups of elves that sat chatting beneath; while huge black ants roamed up and down the tree, on their endless quest for Meaning and Food. Woodlice he saw, and moths resting upon the sad grey bark of the forlorn. Up, up he climbed, until he reached the stratosphere, the svarga heaven above the stars, the jungle canopy where the spider monkeys brachiate from branch to branch. The treehouse floor stretched broad and fair before him, and its floor was made of lapis lazuli; through the floor he could see the constellations glimmering fair beneath him. ³Cassiopeia², he said to himself. And there they were, seated upon golden thrones underneath a tapestry glittering with Jewels: the Lord and the Lady. The Lord was tall and dark bearded, hairy-chested like a satyr and brimming with virility; he held a silver athame in his head. The Lady was also tall and deep-cleavaged, with broad hips like the Willendorf Venus, and in her hand was a fluted chalice of gold. Secret symbols were drawn upon the floor. Frodo stood before them, wordless. The Lord welcomed him in his own tongue, saying, ³A, peryando tiucumba váratalya limbenengwea! Auta!² The Lady said no word, but merely licked her lips. And Frodo knew at that moment that they had looked deep into his soul and perceived the essential oneness that connected them both at that moment. Dullborn, perceiving that Frodo was still there, not having understood a word he had said, used sign language to indicate that he should go stand in a corner, while he interrogated the remainder of the company, who had mysteriously materialized on the lapis lazuli. ³So, Aragon son of Arathon,² he said, ³Did you off Gandalf before he could pay me back the three thousand miriain he owed me?² ³Nay,² said Galadriel, her voice resonating like a cracked theorbo. ³Aragon never had the wit to do away with Gandalf. Now tell us where he is, for he oweth us both money and favors.² She crossed her legs. ³Alas!² said Aragon. ³Gandalf was lost in the depths of Moira, taken by a shadow and a flame, which had no wings...² Lego-lass stepped on Aragonıs foot, hard. ³It was a Balrog of Mortgage,² she said. ³Its wings spread from wall to wall, over a span of thirty years.² The dismayed cries of the Elves rang out. ³Gandalf? Lost? Without heirs, beneficiaries, or estate? Now whom can we sue?² Lord Dullborn stood up straight and tall. ³At such a grim time,² he said, ³a time of sadness and loss for us all, when strong leadership is required more than ever, there is only one thing for us to do...² ³Thatıs right!² said Halfwit the Elf. ³...blame the Dwerrows!² ³The Dwerrows! Itıs all the fault of the Dwerrows! Expel Œem! Take away their property! Sterilize Œem! Hang Œem! Fry Œem in oil! Zwergen Œraus!² These were among the more printable remarks made by the Elves assembled there. Galadriel coughed, and the treehouse fell silent. ³While it is well known to all of us,² she said, looking at Giggly, ³that Dwerrows are hideous, gnarled, shrunken mutants, with a barbarous speech, no manners, and a long history of elf-molestation, they are still not to blame for everything -- just most things. Besides, who can blame the Dwerrow if he wished to gaze at last at his ancestral home whose entrance lies deep at the head of that shadowy vale between the mountains known as the Limbs of Moira?² ³Dark are the waters of Kleo-patrâ, and warm, oh, warm are the springs of Kunni-gonda,² she chanted, running the tip of her tongue over the tops of her lower teeth. And Giggly, on hearing the names given in his own ancient tongue, looked up as far as he could; and it seemed to him that he looked suddenly into the heart of a perfect stranger and saw there lust and amorous desire. He smiled in answer, rose, and said politely, ³You can visit me any time.² There was a deathly silence, during which Galadriel stared hard at each member of the Company. At length Dullborn spoke again. ³Get the hell out of here, all of you.² * * * That night the Company slept on the ground, as no self-respecting Elf would allow them into their treehouses. For a little while the travellers argued among themselves, engaging in unrestrained slander, backbiting, and feeble excuses for their behaviour. ³What were you wriggling for, Sam?² interrogated Pipsqueak. ³Maybe planning on cutting me and Morrie out of the action?² ³I never thought no such thing,² answered Sam. ³If you want to know, I felt as if the Lady was looking right through my tunic and seeing the ŒRosieı tattoo on my chest.² ³And the little fluffy pink lambs embroidered on your shorts,² Morrie added helpfully. ³Hey!² ³To me it seemed exceedingly strange,² said Boromir. ³For though they say in our land that the Lady of the Golden Wood possesseth X-ray vision as well as superhuman endurance, I did marvel that she passed over a man of my physique so hastily.² When Aragon had calmed them all down, he bade them sleep well for the night. ³And if you must go outside, take with you a handful of leaves of the forlorn; for there is in this land no toilet paper, unless a man bring it hither himself. Then let him beware!² * * * They remained some days in Lothlorien, so far as they could tell, but since their watches had all been confiscated at the border, they tended to lose track of time. All the while they dwelt there Frodoıs symptoms remained unchanged. They had not seen the Lord or Lady again, and the Elven-folk shunned them as if they were rabid lepers, except for two: Lego-lass spent all her time among the Elves, and pretended not to see the companions if they passed near; and Giggly was often seen returning from Galadrielıs treehouse well after midnight, and the others wondered at this. And after some weeks had passed, the companions held a wake for Gandalf. They could sometimes - if they eavesdropped - overhear the Elves mentioning his Elvish name, Mesprendeur; but if Lego-lass was with the company, she would not interpret for them, saying that if they wanted her to be an interpreter they could bloody well pay her, and in any case the remarks were far too rude. It was Frodo who first put something of his feelings into words, as they sat in a circle, talking about their memories of the old bum, and getting roaring drunk. Frodo had been listening to the Elves singing about Gandalf, but as he had never gotten better than a C+ in Sindarin class, and moreover they spoke it with a strong Québecois accent, he understood hardly anything of what he had heard, and his translation, as repeated to Sam, must be regarded as if he had made it all up himself. Picture yourself in a wood by a river, With golden-leaved trees of unusual size; Words incomprehensible call to remind you, The elf with the silmaril eyes. Elanor flowers of silver and gold, Springing upon the green lawn. Look for the elf with the clouds in her hair, And she's gone. Varda in the sky with starlight Varda in the sky with starlight Varda in the sky with starlight A.... Follow her down to a grove in the forest Where feather-tressed maidens spread marshmallow thighs, Niphredils rise around you under mallorns That grow so incredibly high. A boat with a swanıs prow rows on by the shore, Waiting to take you away. Sit in the stern with your face to Mordor, And you're gone. Varda in the sky with starlight Varda in the sky with starlight Varda in the sky with starlight A.... Picture yourself on a ship in the Ocean, With oddly-dressed elves wearing beards for disguise, Suddenly someone is there on an island, The elf with the silmaril eyes. Varda in the sky with starlight Varda in the sky with starlight Varda in the sky with starlight A.... ³But that doesnıt have anything to do with Gandalf at all,² Sam objected. ³Well, finish it yourself, then,² Frodo replied sourly. ³How about this,² said Sam: Hamburger and fries with ketchup, Hamburger and fries with ketchup, Hamburger and fries with ketchup, Hamburger and fries with ketchup... Frodo kicked Sam all the way back to the tent. * * * One evening, after Frodo and Sam had finally kissed and made up, Frodo asked: ³So, Sam, do you think youıve seen enough of the Elves?² ³I reckon I have, Master,² Sam replied. ³Theyıre interesting enough to start with, but spend a few months with them and theyıre horribly dull.² Even as he spoke, as if in answer to his words, there was a sharp cough and the Lady Galadriel stood before them. She spoke no word, but offered them a glimpse of well-rounded calf and ankle, and they followed willingly enough. She led them behind the thicket of treehouses into a damp, mossy little garden, ornamented with a mirrored globe, a sundial, and a stone dwarf that was remarkably lifelike except for the lichens growing upon him. At the bottom of the garden stood a birdbath filled to the brim with water. Galadriel stooped and breathed on it, and when the water was still again she spoke. ³Here is the Birdbath of Galadriel,² she said. ³I have brought you here so that you may look in it, if you will.² Sam muscled his way past Frodo. ³Iıll have a look,² he said. He stepped up on a brick and leaned over the basin. ³Thereıs only sparrow droppings, as I thought,² he said. But suddenly the Birdbath turned muddy, then clear. Sam gasped. ³Hey!² he shouted. ³Thereıs Ted getting a monopoly on the industrial waste reprocessing business. I wish I could get at Ted, and Iıd reprocess him!² Galadriel shook her head. ³Remember that the Birdbath shows many things, and not all have yet come to pass. Some never come to be, unless those that behold the visions turn aside from their path to prevent them.² Sam looked puzzled. ³So you mean that if I donıt go back to the Shire to fix old Tedıs waggon, he wonıt be turning Bywater Pool into a dump for toxic sludge?² Galadriel snickered behind her hand. ³Well, if you do go back, then it certainly will happen; and if you donıt go back, it wonıt necessarily not happen; and if I use conditional sentences that are complicated enough and have enough multiple negatives, you will get so confused that youıll stop asking questions and go with the narrative flow. Do you understand?² ³No.² ³Excellent. Frodo, itıs your turn.² Frodo stepped up to the Birdbath. The night was dark, and its velvet seemed to stream away from him in waves of purple and indigo, while the stars played their eerie flutes inside his head. The water swayed before him as he bent over the basin. His jaw dropped, and saliva began to drip from his lower lip. ³What do you see?² Galadriel asked. ³I see...² Frodo replied dully, ³an Eye... filling nearly all the water... it is glazed... yellow as a catıs... watchful... intent... but its pupil opens onto a pit... a window into Absolute Nothingness... that Hideous Void where Space and Time become naught, where all individuality is destroyed, where Azathoth pipes his hideous flutes to the nameless tunes of Nyarlathotep!² Frodoıs voice, at first low and sluggish, had risen to a shrill scream. ³Oh,² said Galadriel. ³That must be Tivil.² She sighed, rolled up her right sleeve, reached deep into the Birdbath up above her elbow, and hauled out a twisting, hissing creature. She held it up and looked at it accusingly. It glared back at her through a yellow, slitted eye. ³Naughty beast!² Galadriel said. ³How many times have I told you not to hide in there? Be along with you now.² She released it in midair, where it stretched itself out to reveal scaly flanks, long furry fins tipped with claws, and a whiskery face that it wiped with its forefins. Mewing, it flexed its broad, striped tail and swam away through the air into the trees. ³Anyway,² Galadriel said, ³I know what you thought you saw. But I say to you, Frodo, that however the Dark Lord tries to grope me, still the door is closed!² She turned to the East, crossing her arms and legs in a gesture of rejection and denial. ³Wow,² said Frodo. ³You are beautiful and sexy, Lady Galadriel. I will give you the One Ring, if you want it.² Galadriel tossed her head in the gesture known to the Elves as the maewest. ³Thatıs enough from you² she replied. ³Maybe a lot of other girls would fall for that line, but not me. You see, already all love me and despair.² She lifted up her hand, and from a cleverly hidden spotlight there issued a great light that illumined her alone and left all else dark. Moody music with lots of violins emanated from out the thick air, and all around the garden came the click of the cameras of the paparazzi. Then she let her hand fall, and the spot switched off. ³So you see,² she continued, ³I donıt need anything at all that you can offer.² She turned to Sam, who sat cowering in the dirt. ³Have you understood anything at all that youıve seen here?² ³No, Lady,² he replied humbly. ³But can I have your autograph?²