Article: 220016 of alt.fan.tolkien Path: news.uchicago.edu!newsfeed.stanford.edu!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail From: <<>> (Count Menelvagor) Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien Subject: THIS IS NOT A PLOTICAL PSOT: Appendix A: Gondor(TM) Date: 26 Feb 2003 18:03:53 -0800 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 785 Message-ID: <6bfb27a8.0302261803.4a9754ac@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 136.242.228.110 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 1046311434 28426 127.0.0.1 (27 Feb 2003 02:03:54 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups-abuse -aaatt- google -daht- com NNTP-Posting-Date: 27 Feb 2003 02:03:54 GMT Xref: news.uchicago.edu alt.fan.tolkien:220016 This is about half by David Salo (maybe a little more than half), half by me. Hope you like it. I'm too lazy to write a long preface. (Sauron's comments beign with ~~~ and end with ***.) Note on Gondor™-records: Few histories are more controversial than that of Gondor™, about which the most incredible flamewars still rage. In accord, then, with Present Spiegel's desire for balance, we have included both Dr. Faramir's drafts, and Sauron's sometimes rather acerbic marginal commentary, as well as some original documents. We hope this goes some way towards shedding light on a dark/glorious period in our history. THE SOUTHERN SQUIGGLE: HEIRS AND ENSIGNS OF ISILDUR Kings of Gondor™/Chairmen of the Board. Isildur, Anarchion abdicated SA 3440, Insultir son of Anarchion 158, Micindur 238, Donaldil 324, Gúfion 411, Plutondil 492, Ronindocil (Carausar) 541, Torombon 667, Athanatar I 748. Here followed the four 'Ship-kings': Tyrannon Franconia 913. He was the first bankrupt king, and was bought out by the son of his commercial rival, Tarcunardo. Etruria †936, Carinthia †1015, Harmindio (Carpathia) 1149. Gondor™ was now a monopoly. Athanatar II Al-Karim "the Noble" 1226, Normal I 1294. He was the second bankrupt king and was bought out by a branch of the family that had invested in plastics. Caloris 1304, Minimas (President of the Corporation 1240-1304), raised to the Chair as Gaijindil 1304, died 1366, Valoris. In his time the first disaster of Gondor™ began, the War Between the Fiefs. Lavoris son of Valoris (at first called Winebibba), assassinated 1465, Castawei (Lord Protector), 1453-1458. Minuscul I 1540, Venereon 1621, Minuscul II 1634, Telecom †1636. Telecom and all his subsidiaries perished in the Crash; he was succeeded by his nephew, the son of Miniscus, son of Minuscul II. Morondor 1798, Normal II 1856, Nixonir 1974. Nixonir and his two vice-presidents perished during the Sexual Revolution, but records of their deaths have been mysteriously erased. The Chair was given to the victorious general Eärwag, who is not known to be related to the previous royal families at all. Eärwag 2043, Eïsner †2050. Here the line of the Kings came to an end, until it was restored by Ariellë Húriniel in 3019. The realm was then nominally presided over by the Steuards. Steuards of Gondor™. The House of Urin: Palaeocon 'the Kow-Tipper'. He was the power behind the throne in the days of Nixonir, and wrote the official commentary on the preposterous claims of Ar-Vegetal. Mardil 'the Voracious', the first of the Ruling Stewards. He and his successors began to trademark their names. Ruling Steuards. Mardil™ 2080, Erudit™ 2116, Heroin™ 2148, Bellicos™ 2204, Urin™ 2244, Túrin™ I 2278, Hattor™ 'the Mad' 2395, Berendan™ 'the Voyager' 2412, Christian Dior™ 2435, Denethor™ I 2477, Fred™ 2489, Cirion™ 2567. In his time the Belchoth acquired Rohan for a belt of wampum. Alas™ 2605, Blecchthor™ I 2628, Misterrodreth™ 2685, Martha™ †2701, Englebert™ I †2701, Bluto™ †2701, Bariton™ †2701, Blecchthor™ II †2701. Here followed the Great Massacree. Boromir™ I 2882, Túrin™ II 2953, Englebert™ II 2984, Denethor™ II. He was the last of the ruling Steuards and was followed by his son Boromir™ II 'the Deathless'. GONDOR™ AND THE HEIRS AND ASSIGNS OF ANARCHION There were twenty-nine (or thirty, or thirty-one, depending on who was counting) rulers of the Magic Kingdom of Gondor™ after Anarchion the Sartorially Challenged Waterfowl, who abdicated (due to a fit of political self-contradiction) at the time of the fall of Mordor, and was then brutally murdered; though his legacy lives on for ever in the uniform of the Tower of Guard. The debate about how to enumerate the Kings of Gondor™ begins with Anarchion, and only gets worse thereafter. Nonetheless, all good people accept that the line of Isildur Anarchion's sire is the only 'great and unfailing line of truly just and noble kings who rightfully should hold undying Godlike dominion over every little bit of Middle-earth by divine right.'1 ~~~ What the historians of Gondor™ don't tell you is that I was quietly minding my own business, subjecting Muddle-earth to my absolute dominion and introducing its inhabitants to opera, postmodern theory, and strip-tease joints, when a bunch of appallingly tacky ships arrived carrying outlandish cartoon characters, who proceeded to completely ruin my day. They insisted on founding one of their pitiful mortal "kingdoms" right within the limites naturelles of Mordor. Not content with that, that Isildur cad stole my wogah, Miniwethil (who had been getting rather annoying lately, nazwaz), and stained her dress. When I caught them in flagrante, Isildur bit off my finger (with the Ring on it), while Mini distracted me with a provocative dance. The bounders! That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. *** (Anarchion was the son of Isildur the Embarrassed and Miniwethil, who was formerly Sauron's wogah; it is said that Sauron was a sorry loser and that jealousy was the principal motive for his boundless hatred for Gondor™, with whom Mordor was formerly allied. Subsequently, Black Pete slew Isildur with a killfile, whereupon Miniwethil teamed up with Aruman.) War never ceased on the borders of Gondor™, for the neighbors of Gondor™ unjustly demanded territory which Gondor™ had rightfully taken from them, and Gondor™ in return was forced to acquire their territory to obtain proper strategic depth, and all such territory was, is, and always shall be the inalienable possession of Gondor™ forever. ~~~ YR! Tell it to the Pediannath! *** However, for a thousand years and more the Toonedain became rich and powerful, until the reign of Athanatar II, who was called Al-karim, the Noble. Yet the signs of decay had already appeared; for the plantation-owners of the South speculated wildly in unsuitable crops like the White Weed, and utterly failed to create an industrial infrastructure, and had an atrocious accent, besides. The first bankrupt king was Franconia, and the second Normal I, the son of Athanatar II. It was Insultir the second (or third) king who built Disgiliath, the City of Tomorrow, and erected the Needle of Heaven. In his time Gondor™ first had to deal with hordes of strange-eyed tourists from Out East. Micindur, the third or fourth king, built the Magic Studio, and the Ears were revered by Tourists from all Muddle-earth, so that Gondor™ became horribly crowded during the busy season. But Carausar the eighth (or ninth) king raised rates so high that the Tourists were driven out, and he took the name of Ronindocil "the Gentle Maniac"; but they were only replaced by richer visitors. Torombon his son increased tariffs yet again, and the tourist trade accordingly dwindled in his time. ~~~ Insultir initiated the Gondorians' "glorious" tradition of killing each other off when he drowned Anarchion in sweet-and-sour sauce from the Easterling realm of Zing. His architecture, moreover, was in even more horrendous taste than El-Arazôn's. His descendants were a bunch of brigands who vomited with their dogs while exploiting the Southrons, gouging the Easterling Tourists, and forcing their subjects to listen to the most appallingly sappy music. *** With Tyrannon, the eleventh (or twelfth) king, began the line of Ship-kings, who invested heavily in the cruising trade, and created shipping lines that sailed along the brilliant white sand beaches of the Ethir and south along the coasts toward Dumbar. To commemorate his favorable balance sheets, Tyrannon took the crown in the name of Franconia, "Lord of Coins". ~~~ I don't know whether I was more repelled by Tyrannon's brutal union-busting in Toreador (co-opting them is so much more civilized), or by his patronage of the Archies. *** Etruria, his nephew, who succeeded him, turned the ancient haven of Pelargir into a bustling marina and oceanfront theme park. He also sailed to Dumbar, and took it, and it became the site of a great casino and hotel complex of Gondor™. He it was who first harnessed the Flying Mûmaks. But Etruria did not long survive his triumph. He captained a yacht into the harbor of Dumbar, and following a boisterous on-deck party, fell overboard and was lost at sea. The Kings of Gondor™ never forgave the Southrons this outrage. Carinthia his son continued to expand the settlement at Dumbar; but the Southrons of Toreador, led by the swarthy Númenórean warlord Zapâtha, came up with great strength and Carinthia took a bullet to the head one sultry night. For many years Gondor™ invested in Dumbar, but it failed to yield a profit due to the harassment of the Zapâthim. Carpathia son of Carinthia bided his time, and at last, when he had gathered quatloos, he hired a noble army of mercenaries who devastated the land far and wide about, making it impossible for the Zapâthim to support themselves within a hundred miles of Dumbar. The Zapâthim thereupon made their submission to Gondor™, and Carpathia took the name of Harmindio, "South-trasker". No enemy dared to contest the glorious might of Harmindio for the rest of his long reign. He was king for one or two hundred years; unhappily the records of this time are quite obscure, and some historians maintain that there were two or three Harmindios, while others argue that even one is too many. In his day, Gondor™ the realm extended north and west to Forohell, east to Rhoon, and south beyond Dumbar. The Men of Smirkwood were tributary, and the Dumbarians — except for a tiny group of malcontents — were happy, contented peons who loved Gondor™ because we had done so much for them. Mordor was desolate, but its mountain ranges provided perfect ski-slopes for Gondor™'s winter tourists. ~~~ What I heard was that there were twenty of him, each of whom found a more imaginative way of murdering the last. Although I had nothing to do with the Zapâthim, and certainly didn't smuggle arms to them via Easterling intermediaries with money seized from drug racketeers (since I was busy looking at pornography in my winter palace in Dol Guldur), yet I couldn't help sympathizing with them. For Gondor mistreated the flying mûmaks of Dumbar abominably by forcing them to wear clown-makeup, made their peons sing "I-S-I-L-D-U-R spells Isildur," and forced their Orc-slaves to build ghastly ski-resorts in the Ethel Duwap. *** So ended the line of the Ship-Kings. Athanatar Al-Karim son of Harmindio lived in great splendor, with diamond-studded jumpsuits, the finest pomade for his pompadour and many many rings on his fingers. But Athanatar loved hot dogs and hamburgers, and never exercised; and his sons were of like physique. Inflation had already begun to rise in Gondor™ before Athanatar died of arteriosclerosis, and its enemies noted this. Copyright infringement was not challenged. Nonetheless, it was not until the days of Valoris that the first great evil came upon Gondor™: the Civil War (or "War of Northern Aggression"), in which great loss and ruin was caused, and never fully repaired, for want of competent mechanics. Minimas son of Caloris was a man who took his vitamins, and in 1240 (or thereabouts), Normal, to better enjoy his many wives, made him President of the Corporation. From that time on he governed Gondor™ in the name of the Chairmen of the Board until he became Chairman himself. His chief concern was with the North Men. These had developed industries far beyond those of Gondor™, and were the primary processors of Gondor™'s agricultural products, which they then sold back to Gondor™ in the form of worked goods at many times their value. Despite the riots this frequently caused in the streets, the kings favored them, based on some ancient and questionable race-doctrine that claimed that they were more closely related to the Gondor™ians than other people. The Kings of Gondor™ also liked to think that the North Men were a useful buffer against the tourists from Out East. In the days of Normal I, the Easterners began to return again, this time with many tiny cameras and absurdly loud shirts. And President Minimas learned that the North Men would sometimes join the Eastern tourist groups, and were snapping their own photos of Gondor™'s monuments, rather than buying the official postcards. Minimas therefore in 1248 enacted a stringent set of border restrictions, which effectively prevented the Easterners from entering. He then took the name of Gaijindil. ~~~ In excluding the Tourists, Gaijindil was not only evil, but stupid, since they were Gondor's principal source of income. With them gone, the Gondorians were obliged to gouge each other instead, which, along with their notorious Racism, led to their Civil War. (Humans are always civil-warring each other, an annoying habit that can sometimes be useful — not that my agents provocateurs were in any way involved.) *** Gaijindil was intrigued by the industrial ways of the North, and sent his son Valoris north to spy out the customs of their factories. But Valoris exceeded his father's designs, marrying a girl called Jill from the wrong side of the tracks. It was some years before he was allowed to return. From this marriage came the War of the Northern Aggression. 'For the Gondor™ians had already begun to place signs in their windows saying "No North Men Need Apply"; and it was a thing unheard of that a Gondor™ian of royal blood should marry a woman of strange race and religion. By the end of Valoris' term, the men of the Southern provinces had already begun to secede, realizing that if a strange half-Northerner were to take the throne, he might deprive them of their valuable peons, whom, of course, they treated better than their own children. 'Following a long war, Valoris' son Lavoris at first defeated the Southerners through treachery and the use of vast numbers of industrialized North Men. But a noble Southerner began the fine tradition of tyrant-assassination, so frequent in the later annals of Gondor™, by sending Lavoris on his journey into the next life a little early, which was no better than the degenerate little Northy-lover deserved.' Minuscul I, son of Lavoris, made peace with the Southerners and allowed them to keep their peons and the havens of Dumbar with their lucrative casino revenues. They erected on the shores of Tampalas a noble stadium, and there were mighty bowl games betwixt the Tampalas Bay Corsairs and the Minas Tirith™ Kings. ~~~ I heard that Minuscul was none other than Br'er Fox, the Southerner who first murdered Lavoris in a peculiarly imaginative way by tossing him into a briar patch, and then had the effrontery to claim to be his son. He may well have been the worst king Gondor ever had, for he originated the appalling institution of palantirvision sports broadcasts, with their imbecilic beer-commercials. *** The second evil came upon Gondor™ in the reign of Telecom, son of Minuscul II, the twenty-fourth, twenty-fifth, or twenty-sixth king. In his time the stock market of Gondor™ reached unprecedented heights on a wave of speculation; and on Friday, the first of April, 1636, the bubble burst and the market plunged. Telecom in his despair leapt from the Needle of Heaven; and Morondor, his nephew, was forced to flee his creditors to the mountain fastness of Minas Tirith™. From thence he bombarded Disgiliath, and the city has been in ruins ever since, to remind creditors of that noble truth, "The King cannot be required to pay his Debts". ~~~ This evil could have been avoided, had Gondor had naz decent economists instead of the usual acolytes of Miltondur Fredmanion. *** The third evil was the Sexual Revolution, which sapped the waning strength of Gondor™ by causing them to expend their energies in orgies that seemed to last a hundred years. It was brought on by loose-living folk, known as Bîtnikim, or Hippîm, who preached about love and peace and the escape from the rat race of an eternal quest for money. These troublemakers flourished at the University of Dagorlad, an allegedly international institution founded by Orcs who, it seems, acted at the behest of Sauron. The Hippîm were, as was later proven, actually stirred up by the Winoriders of the East2; and for many years the people of Gondor™ were deluded by their talk of a happy, simple life, as Sauron's paramour worked them up to a frenzy with her screeching at the newly built band shell of Caer Andrews. Mordor, no doubt, smiled as investment in Gondor™'s industries declined and the Gondor™ians abandoned expensive athletic shoes for sandals, and tight-fitting suits for peasant blouses, and permed hair for the long natural look, and started to let it all hang loose, maaaaaaan. 'But at a time when the Hippîm and Winoriders were all gathered for a "Summer of Love" at the campus of Dagorlad, Eärwag the Philosopher, Governor of Ethelien, sent down the Gondor™ian National Guard and, storming the campus, purged the Kingdom of that disaffected element for many a year.3 When King Nixonir died soon after of a surfeit of tapes, the Council named Eärwag King in recognition of his services in preserving the Gondor™ian Way Of Life® at the Battle of the Campus. Ar-Vegetal, the degenerate "king" of the semi-fictitious northern realm of Arthurdame (which one historian has accurately summed up as consisting of "a round table and a heraldic scroll") disputed the right to the throne with Eärwag, but as anyone with half a brain could see that Ar-Vegetal didn't have the germ of a case, Eärwag became King by popular acclaim.' ~~~ During my absence in Dol Guldur, my enlightened philosophy inspired the Orcs, Trolls, Rogs, Roaches, Sopranos, etc. to ever more glorious cultural achievements. Alas, they were rudderless without my guiding hand (which was busy with Jadis Joplin — my wogah and not my paramour, if you please — and the Dol Guldur Experimental Opera — especially the Women's Chorus), and drug-dealers from the west had already begun to infiltrate the borders of Mordor. A brilliant, though somewhat depraved Orc-theorist affirmed the Transcendence of Wogah over War, and his teachings spread like rog-fire among the Orcs and others, including even the Gondorians, and thus gave rise to the Hippîm movement. But Eärwag, the so-called philosopher (who had gotten about as far as Voltaire), first corrupted them with drugs, and then brutally mowed them down with radioactive pixie-dust. *** In the day of Eïsner son of Eärwag, the Nazdaq of Mordor acquired Minas Ethel, the Tower of the Moonies, from Gondor™ by direst treachery. For the Leech-King, a notable tenor of Swarthy Númenórean blood, played upon Eïsner's passion for gambling, and in an exceptionally long late-night session won Minas Ethel. (It is a testimony to the Good Steuard Mardil's patience that he did not seem the least upset by this outrage; if anything, he appeared quite pleased.) "Eïsner held two Aces and a Jack, and the Leech-king held a repeating crossbow with barbed and poisoned quarrels and a battleaxe," as the histories tell us4. On his return, it is said, Mardil sent Eïsner, rather the worse for wear, Out East for mystic healing, whence the story-tellers say he will return one day to reclaim his Crown. But other loremasters maintain that Eïsner was cryogenically frozen under Minas Epcot, where Shelob allegedly cooked and ate him during the Bad, or Nasty Winter. ~~~ Well, it is hardly the Leech's fault that Eïsner was an appalling gambling addict (he would have won earlier if not for the fact that Eïsner was an equally appalling cheat). It was perfectly fair for the Leech-king to use a battle-axe and crossbows, given that Gondor had much more deadly weapons at its disposal, such as "shooting the moon." Besides, I bet what really happened was that the Leech started singing, and Eïsner ran away covering his ears. (I have to admit that the, er, aid I sent Mardil was worth it. He had indeed learned his lessons at Dagorlad quite well, for a Gondorian.) As for the canard about Shelob, it is a bald-faced lie! Shelob had better taste than to eat frozen food! *** THE STEUARDS The House of the Steuards was called the House of Urin, but the Steuards early abandoned it for more pleasant-smelling dwellings. They were the descendents of Steuard, the butler of King Minuscul II. From him they took the name of "Steuard", but since few folk could spell it correctly, they were also known as Stewards, Stewarts, Steuarts and Stuarts, and the correct ancient spelling was known only to a few. After his day, the Kings grew lazy and incompetent, and allowed the Steuards to take control of the administration of the Magic Kingdom™; and as this was an age of extensive nepotism, it just so happened that all the Steuards were chosen from the same family. Each new Steuard indeed took office with the oath "to balance the account books until King Eïsner returns from China," but it was soon understood that the latter clause had the same meaning as "never". Yet those in Gondor™ who still read the low-grade, puerile romances frequently available in paperback, liked to think that the King would eventually return; and some, who were called Tories, or Vegetarians, remembered the ancient line of "Kings over the Barrel" in the barbarous realm of Arnor. But the Ruling Steuards justly had such people flogged and pilloried. Mardil™ the Voracious was the first to trademark the most prominent names in Gondor™, to protect them against infringement by competitors. In one of his less wise moves, he founded the first universities; some say he got this idea by hanging out with the Leech-king a bit more than was good for him, but this is a scurrilous lie. After Mardil™, the first of the line, came one thousand and seventy-three Ruling Steuards of Gondor™, until the days of Denethor™ II, the 1,075th and last5. During the days of the Peaceful Watch they had quiet, for a strict regime of censorship kept bad news from reaching their ears, and high tariffs kept out foreign imports. But from the time of Denethor™ I, the black market flourished, and even when Gondor™ was at war foreign customs still had a baleful influence upon the Gondor™ian Way of Life®. Túrin I was the first Steuard whose daughter was a spinster; he was succeeded by his natural son Hattor, who sniffed glue. Hattor's successor Berendan 'the Voyager' went on a commercial trip to sell insurance in Valinor, and never returned. At this time, there were dealings between Gondor(tm) and Mordor; but there was never friendship. ~~~ The early Steuards weren't all that bad, I guess, although true amity was impossible, since they had appalling musical tastes (some harridan named Madarna IIRC), and their language is displeasing to my finely attuned ear and has a horrendous orthography. And their color schemes were completely off. *** In the last years of Denethor™ I, the race of uruks — huge prefect-orcs with bad accents and worse manners — first appeared out of Mordor, and in 2475 they swept across Ethelien™ and began to set up private schools in Disgiliath™. In their train came nightclubs, gambling houses, and other dens of vice in which the Spider-women of the Ethel Duwap fleeced their miserable mates. ~~~ Denethor I was an appalling bully who got his jollies by spanking innocent Orclings with rulers. Sicko. And as for vice, several prominent Men of Gondor"™" used to frequent these establishments, which they hypocritically forbade their own subjects. Worse yet, Gondor's MEIA had already begun the abominable practice of drug-running, although at this stage they didn't have much success, because the Nazdaq still actually earned their keep. But Ethelien was already known as the "garden" of Gondor. *** Fred™, son of Denethor™ raised an army of Headmasters armed with switches and rulers, and so cleared Ethelien™ of the uruks; but Disgiliath was ruined and its trademark lost, and it remained a tax-free haven where every kind of vice flourished for the remainder of the Age. No Gondor™ians could afford to live their afterwards. It was during this period that the Hippîm arose again, and were not fully dislodged from Gondor™'s universities until the time of Cirion. Fred™ was an easygoing kind of guy, with a nice sweater, and even the Leech-king got along with him. Indeed, the two frequently worked on crossword puzzles together; it was on one such occasion that they hammered out the Disgiliath Accords, which stipulated that the Mordorians had to stand on one side of the wall and sing opera, while the Gondor™ians threw Kows and epithets at them. He was wise and valiant, but he liked to be loved by all other people, and he received a cutting insult in the war with the uruks that rankled for the rest of his days. ~~~ Fred was OK, although he had an annoying habit, at diplomatic meetings, of playing a guitar and singing country and western. I almost couldn't keep from laughing when Cholmondely Blargh called him a looby, but I made an attempt to mollify him by singing the Disgiliath Accords! *** After him began the days of Cirion™ of the Long Ruler. He was watchful and beady-eyed, but his arms were short, and he could do little more than enact protectionist statutes, while his enemies deluged Gondor™ with goods that could not be kept out. The Corsairs had a 67-11 record over the Kings in the reign of Cirion™, but it was in the north that his chief peril lay. In the wild lands of Rhomeonion, between Smirkwood and Rhoon, a highly sexualized people dwelt, under the influence of a shadowy Vicelord who called himself Don Gulduro. Often they peddled their pornography and sexual aids through the forest, until the tourist attractions of Gondor™ were deserted, and there was a giant sucking sound as of all the quatloos in Gondor™ being vacuumed up the Anduin. The Belchoth (for so this people was called) were continually added to by even hotter peoples from Out East, whereas the people of Rohan were badly dressed, had big hair, too much makeup, and mostly lived in trailer parks. Cirion™ was hard put to it to keep the evil influences of the Belchoth from crossing the Anduin. 'Foreseeing the storm, Cirion™ sent away for a few hundred more snow-plows, but over-late; for that winter, the Belchoth crossed the frozen Anduin and began to pervert the people: their men came over and wooed our womenfolk, while their women tried to rape our men6. At the same time, a new menace emerged from the secret headquarters of Don Gulduro: the Snûpîm, plastic beagles covered with black spots and the mysterious words "Get Mordor: It Pays!" These circulated throughout Minas Tirith™, even turning up on vice-presidential desks, until corporate morale was at an all-time low. So it was that Cirion™ was forced to cede the province of Rohan to Yorl the Kid, the thirteen-year-old leader of the Belchoth, in return for his promising to pay off the Gondor™ian national debt.' The Belchoth now called themselves Rohirrim, and the former inhabitants of Rohan were forced to flee into Dunland. Rohan came to be generally known as Edoras. ~~~ The Belchoth were incredibly annoying, and I was glad to get rid of them; and frankly, Cirion"™" deserved them, the semi-literate self-important little twit. Almost as snobby as an Elf, and had shockingly bad taste in poetry ("anything's a poym/as long as it rhoym"). What a hypocrite, banning pornography (or erotica, as I prefer to call it), while pushing drugs. Couldn't help putting him down a peg with the invasion of the Sunûp-hai, the invention of Charlz Lurtz: a brilliantly subversive send-up of Gondor"™"ian commercialism. *** In the days of Martha™, the sixteenth Steuard, an even greater evil fell upon Gondor™. Mardil™ the Good had decreed that each Steuard should be succeeded by the husband of his eldest daughter; but Martha™ was unmarried when her father Misterrodreth™ died, and she refused to consider any suitors. She created a vast shopping empire based on home appliances and cooking ware and helpful household tips. It was Martha™ who replaced the ancient, dour, and devalued quatloo with the happy, smiling flokarino, "the people's coin". But her irritating pretensions to omnicompetence, her use of expensive ingredients unavailable to the ordinary consumer, and her generally inflated prices led to a wave of discontent. At last, following the revelation of an insider trading scandal, Martha™ was stabbed in the back by a six-inch long Wusthof-Trident® of Gondor™ "Classic" Sandwich Knife (Price: F70.00) while cooking Brytta-Léofa's Currant Cumin Potato Cakes (Makes 18 Cakes!) live on PalanTirith™. ~~~ I wogahed her once, an interesting experience that I was not tempted to repeat. Wogah aside, however, she was quite possibly the most annoying of the Steuards. *** This led to a wave of anarchy. Martha™ was succeeded by Englebert™ I, Bluto™, Bariton™ (also called Bing Krozbi; he was murdered during a singing competition with Sauron, who cunningly pretended to be shocked), and Blecchthor™ II each of whom were assassinated in quick succession. The Board of Directors thus hesitated before naming a new Steuard. No claimant to the Chair could be found who was of pure finances, or whose claim all would allow. The Atlantean Mugwump Ar-Assol, soi-disant heir of the "kings" of Arthurdame, raised of course the usual genealogical claim, but it was routinely rejected. It was finally decided that the right to rule Gondor™ inhered in all the descendants of Mardil™, and that therefore each of them was to be known as "Steuard of Gondor™", while the actual administration would remain with the Council. ~~~ I was not pretending; I really was taken aback. At first, I thought they'd killed Bariton"™" because it was blindingly obvious that I had won, but then I realized that it was just another stupid Gondor"™"ian power struggle. The advantage of only having one ruler for several millennia, as we did in Mordor, is that one can avoid that sort of thing. *** The Great Massacree followed. Within the month 1,051 members of the family, including children, had brutally murdered each other. At this time there appeared in Gondor™ a wise, kindly old recovering alcoholic named Aruman. The Council welcomed him, and gave him the choice of the next Steuard; and with his calm, persuasive words and good advice he brought an end to the carnage. He chose a youth named Jimmy, who was raised to the Chair as Boromir™ I, 1,072nd Steuard of Gondor™. As a reward, Aruman was given the tower of Eyesore at Isengard to dwell in. It had long been ruinous, but Aruman cheerfully accepted it as a "fixer-upper" and turned it into an experimental "public" school for Orcs. Boromir™ it was who had the Treehouse of the Courtyard built, but after he turned nineteen he went no more to it, and it was abandoned; but it was left standing "until Eïsner gets back from China." ~~~ Couldn't help finding the massacre mildly amusing, even if it was also a tragic demonstration of the Gondor"™"ians; incapacity for self-government. As for Aruman, he was mostly all right, but rather irritating and ungrateful, and gave the Orc-prefects too much power. *** In the days of Túrin™ II Gondor™ was threatened again, for Sauron was becoming aroused. The people of Gondor™ could no longer afford to shop in the malls of Disgiliath and removed west over Anduin; for the uruks were once again abroad, and would kidnap children and force them to play rugby. Túrin™ was a lover of experimental art; and he had filled Ethelien with valuable exhibit pieces, cunningly hidden under hills or inside trees or behind waterfalls. To these at times would the Rangers of Gondor™ come and gaze at them in nostalgic admiration, though they did not understand them. It was also Túrin™ who ripped down the ancient bandshell at Caer Andrews, for he frowned on any but classical music. But his chief peril came from the South, from Rîô and Toreador, where the peons had revolted and claimed the land beyond Los Porros for themselves. When they entered Ethelien and began to plant the White Weed, King Folcwine of Edoras equalled the Bid of Yorl by obtaining a great price from Gondor™ in return for his mercenary army. The Rohirrim massacreed the Peons at Los Porros; but the sons of Folcwine, Folcsong and Folclor, never returned. Malicious gossips claimed that they had run away in order to enjoy the freedoms of the Southlands; but in Edoras it is said that they died a noble and heroic death, and their spirits still haunt Los Porros. ~~~ I fail to see how my being aroused threatened anything other than Shelob's somewhat dubious virginity. As for the uruks, they were just trying to be friendly, but the Gondor"™"ians were an appallingly stand-offish bunch. I had to punish one or two of the Orcs by putting them on shoe-shining duty, though. I have to admit that Túrin had decent tastes by Gondorian standards, and even considered erecting an opera house; but the Council overruled him. Unfortunately, our shared tastes weren't limited to art and music, but extended to women, so things started getting pretty nasty towards the end; after that, our relations with Gondor went downhill. (BTW, it's true that Folk-whatever and Folk-whozit's spirits remained in Los Porros, and indeed a famous local aguardiente is named for them.) *** 'Englebert™ II, nephew of Túrin™, was a hopeless judge of men. He allowed into his army all sorts of people, regardless of race, colour, or creed. He even allowed a stranger from the distant Northlands (badly disguised as a renegade Southron) to take command of Gondor™'s army. He gave his name as Ara-uh-Thorgil, but in Gondor™ he was known as Araphatz, for he was a man of weight. 'It soon proved that Ara-uh-Thorgil's judgment was as poor as Englebert™'s, for without provocation he led an expedition to Dumbar and burned the fishing-boats and pleasure-craft at the marina. Englebert™ had to explain to the nation that such a preemptive strike against Dumbar was necessary, for Dumbar was attempting to build Weapons of Mass Corruption which could be air-delivered by Flying Mûmakil. Following a screaming match with Englebert™'s son Denethor™, Ara-uh-Thorgil left in a huff. His parting words were mysterious: "Just wait 'til I'm king!".' For that reason some credulous dupes thought that perhaps he was King Eïsner returned. The Gondor"™"ians thought that they could get away with unprovoked aggression in my absence. Forgotten the Nazdaq? No wonder the historians say "men slept." Perhaps the real reason for Gondor"™"'s decline was that they didn't have coffee! *** 'Denethor™ was a jolly man, stouter and more pleasant-natured than any Steuard of Gondor™ before him; and he was cunning with figures, and a master of many sciences, and he liked to dress up like Elendil. Indeed he was as unlike Ara-uh-Thorgil as it was possible to be, save for a similar stoutness about the tum; but only idiots esteemed Ara-uh-Thorgil to be half the man Denethor™ was. But though their counsels were ever at variance, it was thought that the cause of Ara-uh-Thorgil's departure was not what he liked to call "singeing the King of Dumbar's beard", but rather the matter of Gandalf the Grey. Ever Denethor™ warned his father not to put his trust in Ara-uh-Thorgil's mentor Gandalf, but rather to welcome Aruman of Isengard. Englebert™ however accepted Gandalf in the office of Court Fool, which allowed him near access to the Chair. ~~~ During the Steuardships of Englebert"™" II and Denethor"™" II, my war with Gondor went quite well until the end, partly because Englebert"™" was an appalling incompetent, and partly acos I'm immortal and the Gondor"™"ians ain't. The genocidal double-crosser Gandalf changed all that. *** 'When Denethor™ became Steuard, he undertook to reorder both his household and finances. Gandalf was soon removed from his position as Court Fool, and departed with words of ill prophecy, and many were glad to see him leave.' After he returned and burned several of Gondor™'s historical records, he was even less welcome. 'Denethor™ had two sons by his first wife Clarabella™. The first was Boromir™, in whom the blood of the Toonedain ran true, or nearly so; the second, "Dr. Faramir™", who became a celebrated scientist in his day and had a great many graduate students working for him.' Some malicious gossipers maintained that Dr. Faramir was actually Gandalf's son and not Denethor™'s; this is a calumny, and any resemblance between Gandalf and Dr. Faramir is purely a coincidence. (Some Dr. Faramir was later killed; others say his death was faked; still others say he's alive and well and is writing a commentary on Sauron's Ode to Meta-being.) ~~~ YR! And I notice that you omit any reference to Dr. Faramir's drug-running activities in cahoots with Tom Bombadildo's narcoterrorists. As I remarked at the time, "my heart bleeds to see the perversion of so much potential by Gondor's predatory educational finance system and by racist anti-Orc indoctrination." 7. *** 'After the death of Clarabella™, Denethor™ married Lossiel™ of the High-Pitched Syrupy Voice; he and his wife took into their care Ariellë, a child brought to them at the dead of night by a fisherman who claimed to have "found her by the seaside". They raised her as their own child, and she grew to be a young woman of many accomplishments and stunning beauty. It may have been the Leech-king's unsuccessful attempts to woo Ariellë that led to increased hostilities, wherein Mordor unleashed its deadly tango hordes, and Gondor™ was afflicted by the Embarrassment of Prince Armadillo. ~~~ Deadly? Hardly! In fact, I heard they were rather fun. Besides, you don't hear me whining about Gondor"™"ian Toons singing "Whistle while you slay," do you? BTW, the rejection of Ariellë's peace conference wasn't my idea, but Deeanna Troll's; it seems she wanted to become an evil empire or something (she even started wearing a Darth Vader mask). Been there, done that, all I got out of it was a lousy T-shirt. *** 'But of all that befell these three in the War of the Ring much is said elsewhere. And after the War the days of the Ruling Stewards came to an end (despite the followers of Bonny Prince Borrie™), for dusty and doubtless forged genealogies were shaken off, and the kingship was renewed, and the Banner of the Ears flew once more from the Tower of Commerce (that is, until some disreputable rabble-rousing Orc-lovers established a so-called Republic of Morondor, with some nobody named Spiegel as "President").' In later years, Aragon had a decentish career as a rogaine salesman-cum-opposition politician-cum-rock star. 1 I:1.11. 2 They were the first to introduce the hoeg or harli, two-wheeled monstrosities that were doubtless bred in Mordor, perhaps in Udûn; for the Winoriders frequently went by the name of Belain-Udûn. 3 They were not in fact destroyed, but nevertheless remained underground until the Steuardship of Fred™. 4 I:2.10. 5 Questions about the mathematics involved here will not be entertained. 6 II:4.6 7 Sauron's Diary, March 11, lines 1-2.